I keep wanting to write something here. I load it up ... and then I go away. I have nothing to say anymore. Not just here. I think I'm actually out of things to say to anyone.
Sometimes, I forget myself, and start to spout off ideas for future plans. And then I just trail off and go back to staring silently through the windows, or into the blank spaces before me. I'm not interested any more in what we do next. Because in the end, everything is still going to be just the same as it's been for years. There's no sense in talking about the next and last piece of property we'd like to buy, or what we might like to do with the house we live in right now. None of it matters to me. And, if I don't make the plans, if I don't say what's next ... well, there will be nothing but time passing.
I put so much effort in over the years to make Garf feel special, like he was the most important person (and to me, he was). I couldn't go out and buy something without him knowing about it because I didn't drive and living in the middle of nowhere ... well, he was special, but not a 4 hour walk kind of special (and that would have been just one way). But I did things ... spending hours hunched over my desk in secret, putting together videos for him, or making coupon books (you know, free massage, free blow job, that kind of thing) scrapbooks ... all the things to show him the things I couldn't always say. The last few years, that's all tapered off. The last attempt I made was last year ... and when he got up and wandered away before it was over ... well, even the kids were at a loss.
But anyway ... the point I was trying to make ... he's always had it easy when it came to me. He never had to do anything that required effort. Yes, he got me a horse for my birthday (but c'mon, I'm the one that works the budget so in the end, what I get or don't get is up to me). Yes, when I run out of coffee he'll pass me his. Yes, he brings me a stuffed sheep almost every time he goes out (sometimes this could amount to 3 or 4 sheep in one week!). But ... nothing that ever required effort on his part. No Mother's Day morning in bed (I don't eat breakfast but not having to get my own coffee would have been nice, or not being the only one awake in the house for 3 or 4 hours). Half the time he forgets the actual day of my birthday that it IS my birthday (he's never forgotten my birthday altogether, he just tends to give me stuff before the day lol). He's never once given me anything that showed he actually put any thought into who I am. I love stuffed sheep ... but I don't need 200 of them. I never expected him to sit down and put together videos for me ... that's MY thing, because I enjoy it. Just once though ... I would have liked it if he'd brought me home some take out, passed me a drink, and settled us in for a movie. Without me having to say, "Hey, can we pick up some food and watch a movie?" Just once, I would have liked for some part of our lives to be his idea.