Friday, 10 November 2017

My final thoughts

I keep wanting to write something here. I load it up ... and then I go away. I have nothing to say anymore. Not just here. I think I'm actually out of things to say to anyone.
Sometimes, I forget myself, and start to spout off ideas for future plans. And then I just trail off and go back to staring silently through the windows, or into the blank spaces before me. I'm not interested any more in what we do next. Because in the end, everything is still going to be just the same as it's been for years. There's no sense in talking about the next and last piece of property we'd like to buy, or what we might like to do with the house we live in right now. None of it matters to me. And, if I don't make the plans, if I don't say what's next ... well, there will be nothing but time passing.
I put so much effort in over the years to make Garf feel special, like he was the most important person (and to me, he was). I couldn't go out and buy something without him knowing about it because I didn't drive and living in the middle of nowhere ... well, he was special, but not a 4 hour walk kind of special (and that would have been just one way). But I did things ... spending hours hunched over my desk in secret, putting together videos for him, or making coupon books (you know, free massage, free blow job, that kind of thing) scrapbooks ... all the things to show him the things I couldn't always say. The last few years, that's all tapered off. The last attempt I made was last year ... and when he got up and wandered away before it was over ... well, even the kids were at a loss.

But anyway ... the point I was trying to make ... he's always had it easy when it came to me. He never had to do anything that required effort. Yes, he got me a horse for my birthday (but c'mon, I'm the one that works the budget so in the end, what I get or don't get is up to me).  Yes, when I run out of coffee he'll pass me his. Yes, he brings me a stuffed sheep almost every time he goes out (sometimes this could amount to 3 or 4 sheep in one week!). But ... nothing that ever required effort on his part. No Mother's Day morning in bed (I don't eat breakfast but not having to get my own coffee would have been nice, or not being the only one awake in the house for 3 or 4 hours). Half the time he forgets the actual day of my birthday that it IS my birthday (he's never forgotten my birthday altogether, he just tends to give me stuff before the day lol). He's never once given me anything that showed he actually put any thought into who I am. I love stuffed sheep ... but I don't need 200 of them. I never expected him to sit down and put together videos for me ... that's MY thing, because I enjoy it. Just once though ... I would have liked it if he'd brought me home some take out, passed me a drink, and settled us in for a movie. Without me having to say, "Hey, can we pick up some food and watch a movie?" Just once, I would have liked for some part of our lives to be his idea.

8 comments:

  1. Oh I understand this so much! Barney still falls into this category OFTEN. He says he's too afraid to screw up, because of all the thoughtful things I do for him ( Man logic is stupid! Mind you there have been times he has tried, and I was less than appreciative, because HIS trying and mine differ vastly). I try to remember that my expectations of self are not the same as his. I can't imagine not celebrating someone's birthday in grand style, or our anniversary without something unique. Turns out he doesn't feel the same way- he does try at times, but to him I should just know like he knows. ( Um yeah you know because I show you in a hundred different ways..LOL).

    I know this sounds corny, but have you ever done the love languages quiz online?-both of you? It helps, for a bit. Basically we tend to do what we would like, they are no different- unfortunately because apparently they don't require much even if we deliver greatly.

    willie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I can't imagine celebrating a birthday either. I really wouldn't want to! I hate party's, don't wanna go out ... I just want ... something other than the easy way out, which tends to almost always be yet another stuffed sheep. I know I must sound horribly ungrateful. I'm not ... I'm just ... feeling rather unimportant right now I guess.
      And yes, we did take the quiz, I even got the damn book, for all the good it did. It only went as far as him taking the quiz. And then ... nothing. After all, we got this far right? It's like he doesn't even notice that I've left the building. It's not that he doesn't care, he does ... he just doesn't see. I don't like making him out to be the bad guy, God knows I'm no picnic myself. But he really has this ability to make me feel a lot of bad stuff without even trying or realizing he's doing it. If I say anything, then I end up with him in a very bad mood because he does feel bad, but seems incapable of wanting to actively do anything about it. (he gets in such a state when I'm right about something but he'll never admit it) Just once, I'd like to say, "Look why my hubby did for me" on Mothers day, rather than wishing I could crawl under a rock because it's really just another shit day to me. Bah ... not in a good mood here.

      Delete
    2. I don't think you sound horrible at all. You sound like a LOT of women I know- myself included. The best b-day gift Barney gave me was a thoughtful message he left on my laptop one morning ( well he has given me one other really great gift..but this meant so much more). It was only 2 wks into ttwd and he left me a note that popped up when I moved my mouse. It was about ME and how grateful he was for various things.

      Sooooooooo why then did it become difficult to continue in that vain? lol. I don't have any answers, I don't believe it is you as I too have stood in your shoes. Barney says he's not creative- I cry BS. (also plenty of people have offered to HELP him..but in his mind that doesn't count).

      My husband is a wonderful, patient, humerous, kind man, but when it comes to 'gifts' or special days he SUCKS!!!! And the worst part is he knows it. He gets upset when I say I don't want to celebrate my b-day, but then takes the opportunity to not do anything anyway. LOL. For years I would say " don't bring me home flowers or buy me a card it is a waste of money" but in truth I said it so I wouldn't be disappointed that he didn't.

      I understand the 'not another stuff sheep' deal. I want forethought and I want him to anticipate things- this "All you need to do is ask, can be a bit tiring" ...no?

      I know he loves me. I know he appreciates me and even has joked about marrying "up" but it hurts despite all of that. It hurts because in my mind, if you really respected a person to the degree you claim, you REMEMBER things about them! Meh

      Guess who else is in a bad mood today! LOL.
      willie

      Ps There was a male blogger who I was fortunate enough to call a friend named George. He once said women and men view gift giving differently. Men will buy a woman a car (or horse) and see the monetary value and believe they are good for the year. Where as women would prefer a picked flower one day, a chocolate bar when paying for gas the next. Little thoughtful things. Things that indicate you were thought OF! (sound familiar?).

      Delete
    3. Yes ... all of that.
      It's never about the money for either of us ... the horse was just the last thing on the list of things I've always wanted. I truly have nothing else that I reallllly want. It's just ... well, it's not like I woke up one morning to see a horse in the backyard (now that would have been truly awesome). In the end, it's just ... put some damn thought into it. Tell me that you actually do know who I am. Garf has no imagination, he'll say it himself. He really just doesn't. But ya know what happens if you use google? Someone else has all the ideas for you. Now pick something and put it into action. Blah!!! Double blah!!

      Delete
  2. Wish I could take you away for a week - let you breathe while Garf realizes what he'd be missing without you there.
    Amy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Amy! That would be nice ... to get away. Last time I "got away" I was stuck in the hospital 5 hours away for 2 weeks trying to have a baby. We didn't have a vehicle at the time so no visitors for me. My house would have fallen apart if it hadn't been for my son who was 10 at the time. That was a good time ... he and Garf had a pretty rocky relationship and that was the turnaround point for them. Ya know, I don't know that it would be all that hard for Garf ... I've always felt like out of the two of us, he's the one that could walk away and carry on just fine. That's the problem of course ... I made it too easy for him.

      Delete
  3. Hi Penelope, I don't know your age group so assuming you are young. Sometimes it takes years before a man matures enough to think to do little things to make you happy. Hang in there and stay positive. You never know he might surprise you one day.
    Hugs Lindy xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lindy ... somewhere in the middle. Though some days I feel more like I'm 90. lol I am still hoping that someday he will surprise me somehow.

      Delete