Wednesday, 29 November 2017

One slow bite at a time

*sigh*
I am not a patient person. I try to be, but I'm not.

Me: We gonna talk about this?
Garf: Yes.

End conversation. lol

Well ... when damn it?!! Today, tomorrow, next week, next month, maybe next year? (Don't worry, I kept that part to myself. I did not say it.)

I need patience. It is enough, or should be enough, that the two days of ugly were not really that ugly at all. That compared to what would have happened a year ago had I come at him with an ultimatum (I don't like that word, not at all, but I guess that's what it was ... choose me, or not me ... what else is that but an ultimatum?). A year ago there would have been very angry people, tears, walls, very cold walls. That didn't happen this time. Well, for a couple hours it was a bit like that, but it cleared up pretty darn fast. It was still not on the same scale as it would have been. That alone is progress folks.

It is hard for me to trust the words though. And so I want to rush through it, hear the talking and then do something. I also know that is not going to help my cause. But ... waiting, waiting, waiting ... nope. I'm done waiting. I can do slow, I can do one step at a time, but 3 years of waiting just on this particular subject, 10 months of that actively waiting (he's off the hook for the first 2 years because he had promised nothing up to that point) is long enough. It's time to shit or get off the pot. Go ahead, screw up, make some mistakes, piss me off, whatever ... just do something!!

Ok ... all done, that is my half frustrated rant today.

Tuesday, 28 November 2017

Some encouragement needed here

Message from Garf - Gonna give you a prime example of me wimping out. I was gonna come home, take charge and tell you that you don't have a say in what happens now. This is over when I say it is over. And I didn't say it was over. I had big speech ready and all. And if you tried to interrupt, I would have told you to shut up. I brought you out to the porch for my smoke and wimped out cus the more I thought about it, the dumber it sounded.

But ladies ... I ask you ... does this sound like he has no clue? He gets it ... he just can't do it. lol

I have hope.

Inch by inch

Garf: So what do I do when an idea I have been working on seems like a good idea but when I really think about it, it really seems so stupid?

Well ... maybe there is some hope here. If he would stop shutting me out of everything, maybe there would be hope. I can't see him thinking. Endlessly thinking. If he were trying to decide what to have for dinner, he'd starve. Staying silent for weeks, saying he's sorry he's taking so long, and then another few weeks of silence ... no good. Not for me. He's gotta do something. I don't care if it's moving slowly, as long as it's moving. I wish I knew where it all got blocked up. Because one day it seemed we were on track, making progress, and then it just stopped. He was doing fine, I made sure to tell him he had it right and then he just went away.

I think ... I could be wrong, but it seems to me as if he feels like this is all on him, like he's gotta to figure it all out by himself. I don't know how to help him without taking over.

I don't know if I can even trust what I think is an almost open line of communication. I want to, but ... well, I guess I don't trust the words anymore. I need to see the trying, feel it, not just hear about it. I'm trying to keep the pictures in my head to a minimum, the expectations ... especially the expectation of another failure. I don't actually expect him to follow through. I think he will assume I've calmed down because I'm not breathing fire, because I stayed in bed and didn't move to the couch. That's how it usually goes. He feeds me what I want to hear until the storm's passed.

My feelings are 16 years old, and so it wasn't all about DD and the fact that he couldn't/wouldn't do it ... but I think it is a way to build a path back to each other, and so now, I guess it IS all about DD. I dunno ... I confuse myself sometimes.

Slowly, very slowly, inch by inch, one Facebook message at a time ... maybe we'll figure this out.


Monday, 27 November 2017

3 a.m. conversations

Some excerpts: Black him, blue me.

And I can't communicate what is in my head. I come up with ideas but when I think about them, they all seem stupid...crazy...Not me.

haha, because saying, "Beat me, it will make me feel better," isn't crazy? But ... crazy ... yup, that IS me. (this was in my head)


How many time can you saddle a dead horse before you realize you still can't ride it?

Well, I'm not known for giving up. How much ya wanna bet I could raise a horse from the dead? (in my head also)

My life needs to be more than just this endless get up, go to bed, with a talk about the weather in between. (Guess which two people went for a ride today? Topic of conversation ... the weather and gas prices)

I love you to death but I want to throttle you right now. I imagine the feeling's mutual.

Pretty much.


In the end, this isn't all about DD, or lack of, it's just become the mascot or something.

I don't know where we stand right now on that subject anyway. I don't know where we stand anywhere else either. I guess I'm wandering in my head wondering what to do with me, when I'm the one that is going to lose a big part of myself if he can't find a way to go forward with this. How do I let it go and be ok with it?

Sunday, 26 November 2017

What next ...

I've had a few very bad days. Things are about to change around here, but for better or worse, I don't know yet. It is quite possible that there is no longer an "US" in this house. I imagine he's pretty pissed, hurt maybe. I don't know. He's not talking to me right now. I can understand that. To make a long story short, I have finally reached a point where I am either going to have it all with that man that I love to death, or have nothing. It could very well blow up very badly in my face. I hope that it doesn't, I hope there is some way for us to get out of this, but it's all resting on him now. He can choose to fight for us, or not to, but I'm out unless he's all in.
My walls are firmly in place and it sucks.

No apologies

"I make no apologies for how I choose to repair what you broke." 

Nice quote from Grey's Anatomy

Friday, 24 November 2017

Virgo

Image may contain: text


Ha, folks, we have a winner! 2 actually, considering the Taurus.
That's all for today. I have words ... but not yet. I'm not ready yet.

Tuesday, 21 November 2017

Words, words, and more words

I do wish Garf would realize that telling me he's sorry he's taking so long and that being the only discussion on the topic is not really helping. Telling me that every few weeks is doing nothing but, again, shushing me for another little while. He's just not *getting* it. What I try to explain, it's going right over his head. His words don't mean anything to me. There's nothing behind them, just empty air. He keeps saying what he's going to do ... and then nothing happens. I wish he'd stop telling me things like, "Tonight we'll talk." if it's not going to happen. It's been months now of him saying stuff like that every week or so, getting my hopes up just so I can crash down again. If he's not gonna do it, why doesn't he just say so?
I'm just so irritated with it all right now that I actually just ran out of words. Because I'm just going to whine the same things that I've whining about in all the previous posts. I might as well just let him off the hook.

Saturday, 18 November 2017

The unfairness!

Someone is playing dirty :(
He went off to town earlier, asked if I wanted to go. Hell no. I hate having to go driving anywhere, and I especially hate going in the cold. This is my hibernation time. For a long time, he asked, and I went. Sometimes, I'd say no and he'd, "Too bad, you're going anyway" me. He didn't say a word this time. Just grabbed the kids instead and left me to my quiet house. (And yeah, that kind of pissed me off too)
They just got home ... he came home bearing food I don't have to cook. Just individual meals that pop in the oven. I've got salmon and some crab stuffed mushrooms. He doesn't like fish and is allergic to the crab. Good choice. I hardly ever have seafood because of this. But ... he also brought me Chinese. And not just enough for 1 ... dinner for 2. So I can eat twice as much. I do love my Chinese food. (egg rolls have already been munched!)
Last week it was ... There's freakin' mice in my kitchen (they really took over while we were on our little road trip) and they wouldn't go away, so I finally gave in and said it was time for some cat action. I sent a bunch of messages to people giving away cats. First came 2 brothers, the next day it was a girl (all of them fixed!) and then ... when I was happy with that (neither of us are cat people really, especially not him) I got one more message from someone with kittens. My weakness is orange kitties. I can not resist. He said no at first, but when I want, I get. Always.

Image result for puss in boots     Image result for puss in boots

Well anyway ... my littlest daughter has been bugging for a cat. She's a crazy cat lady in the making. So of course we couldn't just take one. We had to bring the calico kitten home as well. There are now 5 cats in my damn house. (Upside ... I'm no longer seeing mouse turds on my counters in the mornings)

But see ... here's the problem.  It's hard to stay pissed with someone who does all the things. If only he would just do the thing. See ... problem!! Way to make me feel like the worlds' most ungrateful bitch Garf ...

Embarrassed

I feel like a complete idiot for ever bringing this whole notion of DD to Garf in the first place. I actually feel totally stupid and embarrassed.
I don't know where things go from here. I'm tired of sleeping on the very edge of the bed. I'm tired of never talking. I'm so tired of feeling like I've got a roommate. I can't wait for him to go back to work next week. Doesn't sound like it'll be much at first ... a couple short shifts to get some "training".  Soon though, it'll be 12 hour shifts again. It's actually just too hard for me to be around him. I hurt too much right now. I'm looking forward to next week. Maybe, he needs to go back to truck driving.
We have kids, a house we're in the middle of buying (still). It's only temporary ... a few more years and life becomes less complicated. I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't think he's ever going to put up any real kind of fight for me. So I guess I'm done fighting for us. I don't know if there's any way to come back from feeling like this. I don't know if we can ever be good again. There are a few years left to put in yet, but I think I need to separate myself more from "our" life, and think more on making "my" life.
When I started this blog, this is not the direction I was planning on going ...

Friday, 17 November 2017

I saw a sign today ...
It said, "You are always only one decision away from a totally different life"
Interesting thought, huh?

Thursday, 16 November 2017

Lost time

I'm so angry. I don't even know what to do with this feeling anymore. Every day it just keeps building up. I'm pissed that I got dragged back and forth across the line so many times. Yes. No. Yes. No. I'll try. I can't do it. Blah, blah, blah. I'm angry at myself for letting him hurt me over and over and over. Not just about DD, though that has certainly toppled me over the edge. It's just 16 years of feeling like I'm on the bottom of the list. 16 years of having the same conversations and nothing ever changing. Soon ... it will be 17 years. End of February and it's 17 years for us.

I find it so strange that he gives me everything I want, but never what I need.

 I'm so damn angry. I feel like I've lost so much time. I'm never getting those years back. I feel old and defeated. I'm not THAT old yet ... but I feel it. Like there's nothing else out there for me. This is it. And this sucks.

I don't understand how he can say he loves me and yet just stand there and watch as I disappear. Eventually, he will wake up one day and I won't be here, and he won't understand why. And I just don't understand that. I don't understand it at all.

I don't understand why I'm still here. I don't understand why I let it get to this point. I haven't been happy in years. I just keep fighting to keep this together. I don't even know why any more. I wish he'd remind me. Because there had to have been a reason at some point, right?

Tuesday, 14 November 2017

Ranting

Well, the long awaited lay off finally arrived on Friday. And while it was nice to have him around for a couple days with nothing very important needing to be done so we could just relax ... I'm ready for him to go back to work. Funny isn't it? 5 months ago I hated him being gone all the time. Now, it's just better if he's not here. I'm angry and hurt, and the less he is around me right now, the easier it is on me to try and keep it all buried underneath. The last few days I've done nothing but leak tears. Luckily, I think my eyeballs do this cool trick and suck the tears back in before they actually start dripping down my face.
I'm seriously tired of him telling me to do stuff. I do it, I don't bitch about it, but I'm pissed. I'm even more tired of how funny he thinks he is, taking a swat or two at me in passing ... because he's totally blind to how much I'm hurting right now.
Rant over.

Friday, 10 November 2017

My final thoughts

I keep wanting to write something here. I load it up ... and then I go away. I have nothing to say anymore. Not just here. I think I'm actually out of things to say to anyone.
Sometimes, I forget myself, and start to spout off ideas for future plans. And then I just trail off and go back to staring silently through the windows, or into the blank spaces before me. I'm not interested any more in what we do next. Because in the end, everything is still going to be just the same as it's been for years. There's no sense in talking about the next and last piece of property we'd like to buy, or what we might like to do with the house we live in right now. None of it matters to me. And, if I don't make the plans, if I don't say what's next ... well, there will be nothing but time passing.
I put so much effort in over the years to make Garf feel special, like he was the most important person (and to me, he was). I couldn't go out and buy something without him knowing about it because I didn't drive and living in the middle of nowhere ... well, he was special, but not a 4 hour walk kind of special (and that would have been just one way). But I did things ... spending hours hunched over my desk in secret, putting together videos for him, or making coupon books (you know, free massage, free blow job, that kind of thing) scrapbooks ... all the things to show him the things I couldn't always say. The last few years, that's all tapered off. The last attempt I made was last year ... and when he got up and wandered away before it was over ... well, even the kids were at a loss.

But anyway ... the point I was trying to make ... he's always had it easy when it came to me. He never had to do anything that required effort. Yes, he got me a horse for my birthday (but c'mon, I'm the one that works the budget so in the end, what I get or don't get is up to me).  Yes, when I run out of coffee he'll pass me his. Yes, he brings me a stuffed sheep almost every time he goes out (sometimes this could amount to 3 or 4 sheep in one week!). But ... nothing that ever required effort on his part. No Mother's Day morning in bed (I don't eat breakfast but not having to get my own coffee would have been nice, or not being the only one awake in the house for 3 or 4 hours). Half the time he forgets the actual day of my birthday that it IS my birthday (he's never forgotten my birthday altogether, he just tends to give me stuff before the day lol). He's never once given me anything that showed he actually put any thought into who I am. I love stuffed sheep ... but I don't need 200 of them. I never expected him to sit down and put together videos for me ... that's MY thing, because I enjoy it. Just once though ... I would have liked it if he'd brought me home some take out, passed me a drink, and settled us in for a movie. Without me having to say, "Hey, can we pick up some food and watch a movie?" Just once, I would have liked for some part of our lives to be his idea.

Tuesday, 7 November 2017

We often say things are hard when what we really mean is things are painful. Decisions ... some of them we call hard, are really just painful. They're not hard. We already know the answer, there's no decision to make. Just sometimes, they're painful. I guess the trick is just ... you gotta ride it out, you get through it. The hard part is making yourself do that. Fear of pain is what immobilizes you.