Saturday, 18 November 2017

The unfairness!

Someone is playing dirty :(
He went off to town earlier, asked if I wanted to go. Hell no. I hate having to go driving anywhere, and I especially hate going in the cold. This is my hibernation time. For a long time, he asked, and I went. Sometimes, I'd say no and he'd, "Too bad, you're going anyway" me. He didn't say a word this time. Just grabbed the kids instead and left me to my quiet house. (And yeah, that kind of pissed me off too)
They just got home ... he came home bearing food I don't have to cook. Just individual meals that pop in the oven. I've got salmon and some crab stuffed mushrooms. He doesn't like fish and is allergic to the crab. Good choice. I hardly ever have seafood because of this. But ... he also brought me Chinese. And not just enough for 1 ... dinner for 2. So I can eat twice as much. I do love my Chinese food. (egg rolls have already been munched!)
Last week it was ... There's freakin' mice in my kitchen (they really took over while we were on our little road trip) and they wouldn't go away, so I finally gave in and said it was time for some cat action. I sent a bunch of messages to people giving away cats. First came 2 brothers, the next day it was a girl (all of them fixed!) and then ... when I was happy with that (neither of us are cat people really, especially not him) I got one more message from someone with kittens. My weakness is orange kitties. I can not resist. He said no at first, but when I want, I get. Always.

Image result for puss in boots     Image result for puss in boots

Well anyway ... my littlest daughter has been bugging for a cat. She's a crazy cat lady in the making. So of course we couldn't just take one. We had to bring the calico kitten home as well. There are now 5 cats in my damn house. (Upside ... I'm no longer seeing mouse turds on my counters in the mornings)

But see ... here's the problem.  It's hard to stay pissed with someone who does all the things. If only he would just do the thing. See ... problem!! Way to make me feel like the worlds' most ungrateful bitch Garf ...

Embarrassed

I feel like a complete idiot for ever bringing this whole notion of DD to Garf in the first place. I actually feel totally stupid and embarrassed.
I don't know where things go from here. I'm tired of sleeping on the very edge of the bed. I'm tired of never talking. I'm so tired of feeling like I've got a roommate. I can't wait for him to go back to work next week. Doesn't sound like it'll be much at first ... a couple short shifts to get some "training".  Soon though, it'll be 12 hour shifts again. It's actually just too hard for me to be around him. I hurt too much right now. I'm looking forward to next week. Maybe, he needs to go back to truck driving.
We have kids, a house we're in the middle of buying (still). It's only temporary ... a few more years and life becomes less complicated. I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't think he's ever going to put up any real kind of fight for me. So I guess I'm done fighting for us. I don't know if there's any way to come back from feeling like this. I don't know if we can ever be good again. There are a few years left to put in yet, but I think I need to separate myself more from "our" life, and think more on making "my" life.
When I started this blog, this is not the direction I was planning on going ...

Friday, 17 November 2017

I saw a sign today ...
It said, "You are always only one decision away from a totally different life"
Interesting thought, huh?

Thursday, 16 November 2017

Lost time

I'm so angry. I don't even know what to do with this feeling anymore. Every day it just keeps building up. I'm pissed that I got dragged back and forth across the line so many times. Yes. No. Yes. No. I'll try. I can't do it. Blah, blah, blah. I'm angry at myself for letting him hurt me over and over and over. Not just about DD, though that has certainly toppled me over the edge. It's just 16 years of feeling like I'm on the bottom of the list. 16 years of having the same conversations and nothing ever changing. Soon ... it will be 17 years. End of February and it's 17 years for us.

I find it so strange that he gives me everything I want, but never what I need.

 I'm so damn angry. I feel like I've lost so much time. I'm never getting those years back. I feel old and defeated. I'm not THAT old yet ... but I feel it. Like there's nothing else out there for me. This is it. And this sucks.

I don't understand how he can say he loves me and yet just stand there and watch as I disappear. Eventually, he will wake up one day and I won't be here, and he won't understand why. And I just don't understand that. I don't understand it at all.

I don't understand why I'm still here. I don't understand why I let it get to this point. I haven't been happy in years. I just keep fighting to keep this together. I don't even know why any more. I wish he'd remind me. Because there had to have been a reason at some point, right?

Tuesday, 14 November 2017

Ranting

Well, the long awaited lay off finally arrived on Friday. And while it was nice to have him around for a couple days with nothing very important needing to be done so we could just relax ... I'm ready for him to go back to work. Funny isn't it? 5 months ago I hated him being gone all the time. Now, it's just better if he's not here. I'm angry and hurt, and the less he is around me right now, the easier it is on me to try and keep it all buried underneath. The last few days I've done nothing but leak tears. Luckily, I think my eyeballs do this cool trick and suck the tears back in before they actually start dripping down my face.
I'm seriously tired of him telling me to do stuff. I do it, I don't bitch about it, but I'm pissed. I'm even more tired of how funny he thinks he is, taking a swat or two at me in passing ... because he's totally blind to how much I'm hurting right now.
Rant over.

Friday, 10 November 2017

My final thoughts

I keep wanting to write something here. I load it up ... and then I go away. I have nothing to say anymore. Not just here. I think I'm actually out of things to say to anyone.
Sometimes, I forget myself, and start to spout off ideas for future plans. And then I just trail off and go back to staring silently through the windows, or into the blank spaces before me. I'm not interested any more in what we do next. Because in the end, everything is still going to be just the same as it's been for years. There's no sense in talking about the next and last piece of property we'd like to buy, or what we might like to do with the house we live in right now. None of it matters to me. And, if I don't make the plans, if I don't say what's next ... well, there will be nothing but time passing.
I put so much effort in over the years to make Garf feel special, like he was the most important person (and to me, he was). I couldn't go out and buy something without him knowing about it because I didn't drive and living in the middle of nowhere ... well, he was special, but not a 4 hour walk kind of special (and that would have been just one way). But I did things ... spending hours hunched over my desk in secret, putting together videos for him, or making coupon books (you know, free massage, free blow job, that kind of thing) scrapbooks ... all the things to show him the things I couldn't always say. The last few years, that's all tapered off. The last attempt I made was last year ... and when he got up and wandered away before it was over ... well, even the kids were at a loss.

But anyway ... the point I was trying to make ... he's always had it easy when it came to me. He never had to do anything that required effort. Yes, he got me a horse for my birthday (but c'mon, I'm the one that works the budget so in the end, what I get or don't get is up to me).  Yes, when I run out of coffee he'll pass me his. Yes, he brings me a stuffed sheep almost every time he goes out (sometimes this could amount to 3 or 4 sheep in one week!). But ... nothing that ever required effort on his part. No Mother's Day morning in bed (I don't eat breakfast but not having to get my own coffee would have been nice, or not being the only one awake in the house for 3 or 4 hours). Half the time he forgets the actual day of my birthday that it IS my birthday (he's never forgotten my birthday altogether, he just tends to give me stuff before the day lol). He's never once given me anything that showed he actually put any thought into who I am. I love stuffed sheep ... but I don't need 200 of them. I never expected him to sit down and put together videos for me ... that's MY thing, because I enjoy it. Just once though ... I would have liked it if he'd brought me home some take out, passed me a drink, and settled us in for a movie. Without me having to say, "Hey, can we pick up some food and watch a movie?" Just once, I would have liked for some part of our lives to be his idea.

Tuesday, 7 November 2017

We often say things are hard when what we really mean is things are painful. Decisions ... some of them we call hard, are really just painful. They're not hard. We already know the answer, there's no decision to make. Just sometimes, they're painful. I guess the trick is just ... you gotta ride it out, you get through it. The hard part is making yourself do that. Fear of pain is what immobilizes you.