Tuesday, 24 October 2017

Oh, that endless rope ...

We never got a chance to talk last night. Kids dragged us into their podcast and by the time we wrapped that up, watched The Walking Dead, it was well past bedtime for us. Not surprising that we never have time when there's only about 3-4 available hours after he gets home. They are easily filled with eating, showers,  and kids. So, that leaves me trying to come up with stuff. I know all the things I would change about myself if I could, habits that is, not actually change me.

There are physical things, health things, that frankly, I think I'm too lazy to *really* want to do. Some external motivation would be nice. Sitting around saying I wish I ate better doesn't do shit. Habits are hard to break though. I've been living on coffee for many, many years now and ya know what? I don't want to give up my coffee. Not at all. Would it be better for me if I did? Of course. Same with the cigarettes. Well, I'd rather give them up instead of coffee cuz really, I need my lungs. And it would be nice if I could fit in some clothes. lol I've been living in my pj's for so long now, I've forgotten what it's like to wear clothes. 5 kids = me looking like I'm perpetually pregnant. All the weight went to my tummy and stayed there.

So, we have some physical health to worry about. Cigarettes are on top of the list, but I've pretty much tried all the stop smoking stuff and so far nothing really works. I just keep lighting up. The best I'd done was when we were cutting them back a couple a day every week and I was down to 6-7 a day (coming down from 20 or more, that was pretty good). Along with that will come all the side effects of withdrawals. The biggest worry being that I might kill someone. I don't drink anything other than coffee and Pepsi. Coffee, smokes, Pepsi ... that all might save a bit of money as well, if I could cut back on all of it.

Ok ... so for physical things, these are the things I'd like to work on. Increasing water consumption, cutting back some on coffee and Pepsi, losing some of the belly fat (and plus, I'm really just not in very good shape anymore, in any way) and, I really need to do something about eating habits. I don't eat anything all day, have a few bites of supper and then feel like crap the rest of the night. Probably for about 3 hours after a meal I feel like I've just eaten a 7 course meal, but when I eat smaller amounts during the day I don't have that problem AND I tend to actually feel hungry. Problem with that is I tend to shop to feed the whole family, and having to buy or cook separately for me is a little out of the budget. But if I put my mind to it, I can figure that end out. I just haven't because it's just as easy for me to go on as I have. I don't think Garf can beat an addiction out of me, so as far as the smokes go, I guess I just need to start cutting back again and maybe we can focus on the side effects, like me not killing people, or being too over the top bitchy. It may be an addiction, but the actual physical withdrawals are rather short lived, it's the mental attachment that is the thing. So, I guess I can agree to so many a day, again, cutting them back more and more until I'm not so crazy about it and he can figure out what to do if I choose to give in and go over the limit. It *was* relatively effective before, but it was difficult because he wasn't home every day. So, that's eating/drinking properly, exercising, and smoking. I know that these are probably at the top of Garf's list ... I'm no good to him sick or dead.

For me, the things that top the list are things that effect us as a couple. Any relationship damaging behavior needs to stop. But my problem is, it's not just me. lol I can't change him though. I can only work on me. I need to stop pulling back behind my walls every time he's not doing what I want him to, or how, or when. Self-preservation kicks in and I'll even throw up some extra walls if I feel I need to. He might be at the root of that, but in the end, the only thing I can control is my reaction. (I still say he's gotta do his part though. It's just not fair to expect me to get a grip if he won't meet me half way) When he sees me retreating, he needs to come get me. I think for me, the other big thing is I need to find something to focus on that's actually just for me. Not for the kids, not for Garf, but just something that's mine. I get all wrapped up in working and I don't really break from it much. While it's been necessary, I *could* have done a bit less and saved myself some headaches, exhaustion, eye strain ...

I guess those are my thoughts, now it's up to him to do something with them. *sigh* I'll be back next week bitching about this all ... *rolls out another 12 feet of rope*

Monday, 23 October 2017

Road trip!

So, it does look like this will be Garf's last week of work. Possibly because he asked for it. We are taking a trip and we wanted to do it before the snow starts flying. Meaning, *I* want to do it before the snow. Garf isn't bothered by snow or driving in it. The girl, the almost, but not quite grown one, is off to spread her wings a little bit. We were going to make her wait at least until her next birthday, but the girl needs to be out and around people far more than is possible where we are now. She'll have 2 brothers, some honorary brothers and sister, and her second mommy to look out for her, and a few other very good friends of ours as well, plus, one of her (sometimes) best friends. I hope she goes and never looks back and takes advantage of all the opportunities that are headed her way. They do grow fast once they start ... It's going to be a huge adjustment for us around here though. She's Garf's little girl, even though he's got two, and we're not supposed to have favorites, she's truly his little girl. Cuz we need more hard stuff around here right now. Geez.

And, in other news, Garf has done it again. I do wonder if he's got his measuring tape out and trying to see just how long that rope of mine might be. He apologized (again) for not dealing with everything last week like he should have. Lost in his head again I guess, not knowing how to implement what he's trying. He can't keep doing this to me. I can't keep doing it. I'm still madder than a wet cat about it and I'm tired of telling his so. If we can't get the basics of communication down, what is the point even of trying? But, when it comes to him, my rope must break world records.

He called from work to say apologize (he must feel safer on the other end of a phone where I can't reach him to strangle him) and to ask that I list 5 things I'd like to work on, in order of importance. I would much rather HE made that list. Instead of telling me everything, including me, is perfect as is, I'd like to hear the real deal. He keeps trying to make it all about me and that's not what I'm after. Sure, we could use the argument that what's important to me would of course be important to him, but ... I dunno, just seems like someone's wriggling off the hook.

But hey, if you all got some ideas of what to put on a list, go for it! I'm working my tail off today trying to make sure we're well padded next week when all the money dries up for a few weeks.

Saturday, 21 October 2017

Just how long is my rope?

I'm trying so hard to just not be angry with this. I'm not sure if it's a good thing, or a bad thing, that I'm almost succeeding. Well, I'm pissed, but I'm trying to keep it wrapped up. I feel dangerously close to not really giving a damn and I don't see how that could ever end well.
The weekend is here. Garf has both days off for a change. But still, there is nothing. So really, what was the damn point of telling me to do anything if he was going to completely ignore me when I said it was done and blowing off everything else he said he was going to do through the week.
I'm still holding up my end as well as I can with no direction. He gets all the damn perks and I get absolutely nothing. Most things I would do anyway because that's just the way it's always been. I'd rather he was happy and who cares about me. So, ok, my fault. This is all my fault. He already had it all without ever having do to any work for it, so why would he start now? He has one job. That's it. His job is to go to work and collect a pay check every week and everything else is my department. He's never had to worry about any of the rest of it. I'm the one that makes the budget work, even when it shouldn't, I force it to bend to fit whatever it is we need. I'm the one who figures out what needs to be bought and what we can manage without. I'm the one that does all the fixing when disaster strikes. I do the laundry, the cooking, deal with kids up my ass 18 hours a day and all the little things that go with that. And I let it be this way. Well, who's the idiot here ...

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I think 16 years of trying, 16 years of being the one to hold us together, 16 years of the same conversation ... I think maybe I've had enough. Because really, we have a house, we have kids, we have dogs ... but between us? I don't know what's even there anymore. And maybe this feeling will ease up after a few days, it probably will in fact. After all, that's how I ended up feeling like this in the first place ... eventually it just gets shoved away. But really, just how many times is too many times to feel like this? Where do I draw the line? I can never quite let anything go completely because there is always that tiny spark of hope. I always get sucked in by his words, which he promptly delivers right on time, every time I am convinced I've finally reached the end of my rope.

Maybe, just maybe, he needs to miss me a little bit.

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I dislike feeling like this. I shouldn't have to feel like this all the damn time.

Friday, 20 October 2017

Tales or tails?

I'm tired and my head feels like it's about to explode. I went to bed with a headache last night, barely slept, and I've been working for the last 4 hours straight. About 10 minutes after waking up, I had a hot coffee, my blanket, and was sitting down ready to work. I got lucky this morning. There were over 100 jobs waiting and I got my hands on a good chunk of them. The list is empty now, but I've increased my pay next week by a good bit. "Good" meaning only about 30 bucks. lol But for my work, that's decent. I'm lucky if I make that much in a day, never mind just the morning.And the cutoff for next week's  isn't until tomorrow evening, so I still have time to pull in a bit more. Or maybe I'll just take a damn break. 7 straight weeks of these hours has me half dead.
There is some good news attached to this. It's taken 10 months, but we've finally done it. Come next week we will finally be all caught up on current bills. We still have some old debt, (so old that no one's expecting to see any money) but we're pretty much back on an even footing again, where we were before everything went to hell last year. Barring any more disasters, we might finally be able to start paying off those old debts. I don't make a lot of money each week, it amounts to far less than minimum wage most weeks, but it's been *just* enough ... to pick up the few extra loaves of bread, gas in the van, some treats for the kids. *Just* enough has finally gotten us out of the mess of overdue payments. *Just* in time too as it looks like Garf's last week of work will be next week. If we can just hang on a little bit longer ...

As far as everything else goes ... if this nothingness keeps up, I'll soon have to figure out just what kind of blog I'm gonna be scribbling in. Maybe once things settle down more and I don't have to work so much of the day, I'll finally get back to training the dog to be a more productive member of the family. Some day, maybe even soon, I'll get up a video showing off her talent. Cuz how interesting would that be? Come for spanking tales and get a wagging tail instead.

Wednesday, 18 October 2017

How many layers?

As I mentioned in my last post, Garf asked me to do something for him and have it done by Wednesday. Basically, I'm his research assistant. Scratch that, I am the one and only researcher. Anyway, I did it first thing on Monday because it's the not the first time I've done the rounds on this particular subject. I took a look around, found nothing that I hadn't already found and brought to him before, so I pretty much just pointed him in the direction of his own computer. Things I've sent through messages on fb are sitting in his downloads file and it just so happened that the last 3 that I'd sent him a few weeks ago were about this very subject. Sent him off a text to let him know and I never heard anything about it. Today is Wednesday. He said he was planning on having this all done tonight. I don't see it happening. He comes home, he eats, messes about on Facebook for an hour and takes his book to bed. (Which is killing me cuz my back doesn't agree with spending 9 hours sleeping, but as the computers are sitting in our bedroom ... well ... he's asleep in 10 minutes and I don't want to disturb him so I tend to go to bed at the same time)
I'm still floating in my bubble by myself. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. I have a nice layer of "I don't give a damn" wrapped around me. I need another layer or two, every now and then I almost feel like crying.

Monday, 16 October 2017

Pictures - Welcome to Newfoundland

 Yeah, he's pretty much at someone's front door. NL moose aren't shy at all.

The one thing I never saw with my own eyes in NL. They appeared in everyone's backyard,  but never ours.

 Mama and baby taking an evening stroll

 They aren't the prettiest animals, not like deer at all, but they sure do love to have their pictures taken.

 This guy was walking down the highway in front of us before he finally got tired of chasing him and went up over the bank. We did him a favor. There was (is still maybe?) a bounty on coyotes in NL and he was worth more dead than alive.

So there you go Amy. Some moose pics. Not a New Brunswick one, not the one that almost hit us, but it seems like NB moose don't like their pics taken so much. Could be that's the only thing I really miss about living in NL. Pics like these are a regular thing. We used to pile into the van after supper and just drive around, counting moose. 

Speaking of wildlife ... there are some mice running through the loft right now. Cheeky little buggers. I'm starting to miss having cats in the house. There no sense in even getting traps. We're surrounded by forest, there's no shortage of critters. They're cute and all, but I am starting to feel uncomfortable with the way they are sitting on the beams and looking at me. In groups. I hope they're not plotting a takeover.

As for the weekend ... I'm a little bit irritated, but I saw it coming, so letting it roll off. 30 seconds of speech does not constitute a conversation. To be fair, we did have a birthday girl to worry about yesterday and Garf ended the day with a headache. (Which I also saw coming because it happens just about every weekend. He insists on an extra 2-3 hours of sleep and eventually ends up with a headache because of it. This is why I haven't slept in for more than 20 years.) He asked me to do something and have it done by Wednesday ... but that pissed me off too 'cause it's not the first time I've done this for him. Basically I got the same standard, "I don't have a clue and I can't find anything anywhere that will spell it out for me" line that he gives me every few weeks. Why ask for help or advice if you're just gonna blow it off? I'm gonna do it anyway, but I am protesting under my breath the whole way. 

Thursday, 12 October 2017

My happy place

I'm freezing. It's not quite cold enough to see my breath, but my hands are so cold and stiff that working is just about out of the picture this morning. It's after 9 am and the frost is still covering the grass. It's nearing my hibernation time. I have a heater at my feet and a blanket over my lap creating a nice little heat tunnel. Now if I could just figure out how to keep my mouse hand warm.

This ... I need this. It's electric. It's heat. I NEED this blanket in my life. Maybe two of them.

Garf used some actual words last night to say again what he said in his text. I'm paraphrasing here, but I think what he said was something like, "I think I'm ready to do it right this time" Cautiously optimistic.

My oldest little girl is turning 16 this weekend. I wish we could do something special for her. As luck would have it, (our luck that is) the van is needing repairs which are being done today. It's hard to believe that in less than a year she'll be gone. A good friend of ours who lives in a real city and not in the middle of nowhere said the girl could go stay with her whenever she's ready. I think she'd like to go now, but I'm not quite willing to let her go so young. I know she's itching to go somewhere where there is life. This last year has been especially hard for her.

Oh, I almost forgot. We came *this* close to being dead last night. Damn moose. If he had decided to bolt across the road he would have destroyed our van and most likely Garf and I with it. When Garf swerved, if my window had been open I possibly would have had a face full of antler. Wasn't too far up the road from us either. It's strange that we never see any moose passing through the yard. We've seen signs of them, but never the actual animal.

Wednesday, 11 October 2017

Actions, not words

Ready for rules, we'll talk this weekend.

That's the message I got this morning. I don't even have a feeling to attach to this. Once it would have made my stomach fill with butterflies. I would have been happy, excited maybe. I have no feeling about it. His words have finally become *just* words. If I had to feel anything right now, it would be pissed. Pissed that he waits until I'm in the worst possible place before he brings this up. Again, making me feel like I'm being pacified. I need action, not words.
Well, however it is that I feel about this, I'm at least going to try and keep my mouth shut before anything spills over.

This feels like a long day. Not enough work to occupy me today.

Saturday, 7 October 2017

Casualties of indifference

How awful is it that I sometimes wish Garf just wouldn't touch me at all? I've had a horrible headache for week now. I would imagine it's the work I do all day, every day, non-stop. Constantly listening extra hard to every word being spoken, shit audio sometimes, static, beeps, crashing noises, people sounding like they they the recorder into an ocean, or driving down the highway with windows wide open, holding interviews in a crowded bar. Worse yet is grading where I not only have to listen extra hard, I'm reading extra hard. My eyes are shot, my head doesn't work and I'm pretty sure my ears should be bleeding. Anyway ... on to the point of this.
I can't take any more pain relievers for headaches, or any other of the pains I deal with. My stomach is shot. I'm guessing I've developed an ulcer and for the last couple weeks I was pretty much eating Aleve, or Advil, whichever bottle was closest to me. When my stomach started acting up I had to stop taking anything. (Which has helped, tummy pretty much back to normal) But it does mean that there's nothing between me and this horrendous headache.
Last night in bed, Garf's laying there, running his fingers around my head, just stroking my head really ... and all I wanted to do was cry. My headaches can stop almost instantly when he does that. Same effect when my legs are bad. It's been  ... I'd like to say months, but I think it's been at least a year, and quite possibly more since he's done that. And so there I am, feeling some of the pain melt away, and all I wanted to do was cry. Because it will probably be months again, or years, before he'll do that again. It will be months before he'll be able to do that without having to start by saying, "No, I'm not trying to get laid." Which of those make me the most sad? I guess it doesn't matter because it seems that I am out of tears anyway.
Where am I at when I can't cry anymore over what I feel I've lost?
I feel so far away from him now. I don't know how to get back. I don't know if I even want to.
And what's worse? Him feeling the same way or he doesn't even notice that I'm gone?

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We haven't been important enough as an "us" for too long. We didn't pay enough attention. We didn't put enough work into us.

Indifference is a killer.

Wednesday, 4 October 2017

Unexpected Visitors

I usually skip supper dishes lately as I'd rather be working and often there are more jobs available right around that time. Last night though, there weren't very many and I figured I'd get a few out of the way because I had dealing with them in the mornings. Being surrounded by woods you'd think we see a lot more wildlife than we do. But, other than the yard being invaded by rabbits on Mother's day, one porcupine under a tree, (and not counting the one that nailed the dog in the face ... all we saw was the end result, not the guilty porcupine) and a handful of blue jays, all we get to see is shit. We see (or hear) the signs but rarely the animal itself. Well, the last few weeks there's been piles of bear crap around all the apple trees. But not one damn bear. Not one. And I sure wasn't believing the son who kept saying he saw one in the backyard. Because how convenient is that? He's the ONLY one that's seen anything in the back.

So, I get myself up to doing some dishes, looking out my tiny kitchen window to the back.

If you look closely at the last pic you can just see the face of the second cub. We didn't know there were two of them, we'd only seen the one with her. We were between mama and one of her babies. Thankfully, 5 humans that didn't seem interested in hurting her baby didn't worry her enough to come eat us. I wish we could have gotten better pics, but messing about with mama and her babies doesn't seem wise. Also, we'd like to have another shot at getting pics so scaring them away wouldn't be any fun at all. I wish I had a better camera. There isn't a lot to take pictures of around here, but when there is, it's something big. The buggers haven't left any apples for us, that tree where the bear is standing might be the only one that still has some. I guess no pie in this house. 

Tuesday, 3 October 2017

I've been waiting ...

My indifference has been mistaken for patience. I guess I'm ok with that. At least we have nothing to fight about.

I'm perfecting the fine of art of being here without really being here.

I've been waiting for just about the whole 16 years we've been together for Garf's words to be something other than just empty words meant to pacify me. For a long time, he even stopped apologizing because "sorry" didn't mean shit anymore and I guess maybe even he knew it? We're pretty much back in the same leaky boat. I'm not interested in bailing water anymore and words aren't plugging the holes.

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Life is quiet inside my bubble. I think I'll go back to work now.