I need to thank my fellow bloggers that not only take the time to read my daily whines, (I may need a new name for my blog ... My Daily Wine ... err, Whine) but also take the time to leave such thoughtful, insightful, and encouraging comments for me. I find them truly helpful. When it comes to needing a different way to look at something you guys never let me down. You offer such great advice and I do my best to take it, (because while I may not talk sense some times, I do recognize good sense when I see it) and often, it helps in some way when I do.
But then there are the times when I've got my heels dug in and I'm refusing to give one more inch.
I'm just really tired of everything right now. I don't even know what I want or need. I have no idea what would actually make me happy. I don't know what that life would look like. I'm limited by financial crap, my own physical limitations, and now, just the fact that I can't work up any interest in anything. Things I wanted 3-4 years ago, I've pretty much given up on. Unless I was considering just walking away from my current life, whatever "dreams" I had ... well, I guess that's just what they are, dreams. Life and circumstances, finally, have beaten me down enough that I just don't care to try anymore.
It all sounds so depressing.
Everything just seems so pointless. Everything I do is pointless. There's no reason, no meaning. I'm still not really being very clear. Apparently I'm also a bit muddled. I have a lot in my head but I feel like I'm just chasing words around today.
I scrape up as much work as I can find, but I literally make pennies most weeks unless it's incredibly busy. It averages out to about 14/hr (not spectacular but getting do it on my own terms is nice) ... but that's only if there's work available. But when there's only 30 minutes of work throughout the whole day, what good is it then? I'm frustrated that I can't do more. Especially when we really need it to be more right now.
The kids don't need me anymore. They can all cook (and real food, not just Kraft Dinner), they can do laundry, they are busy doing their own things that don't involve me so much. Thankfully we have a pretty good relationship with all the kids ... even the ones that have moved out still keep me up to date on what they're up to. I don't have to ask them, they usually come to me first. And that's a good thing. Our kids don't hate us and we've had very few of the typical teenage problems. So we did good with them. But, they're ... done. They're pretty much fully cooked. This time next year, it's likely there will only be 2 left.
Soon, it'll just be Garf and I and whatever we have left between us. I'm a little on the scared side that there's really nothing there but years of habit and kids and discussions about the weather. I'm scared that absolutely nothing is ever going to change. I want life to be more than just getting up, and going to bed. With some nonsensical filler in between.
I don't quite know where I was trying to go with all this. Except that maybe I wanted more than just being the maid.
I do know just how pathetic I sound right now. I don't know ... I'm just extremely irritated with myself for letting my life go without putting up a fight for it. Maybe, more than anything else, I'm just pissed off about that.
I know I need to shake this off. I know that I'm my own worst enemy right now, and I know I need to *do* something. Today is just not that day. I did the dishes and delegated supper to the kids ... that's my accomplishment for the day.