But what now? What's next? The kids don't need us so much anymore, not even the youngest. Though she's far more clingy then the rest of them, even she doesn't *need* us to keep her alive. (But I guess it helps that we pay for and do the grocery shopping) It feels like without that glue that we are just drifting. Drifting along, drifting away.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's just me that feels so detached from it all. Maybe I'm just in a horrible mood. Maybe. Maybe I'm just getting older and starting to realize that time (MY time) isn't infinite. That time passes and you can't have it back. That you don't get do-overs. That *this* isn't what I wanted to end up with. I can't really complain. I've got far more than many people do. But what good is having everything when none of it was what you wanted in the first place? I suppose that makes me a most ungrateful person. Maybe so. But I just can't seem to be un-miserable. I'm floundering and I just don't know how to fix it. Because I don't even know what I DO want anymore. I would give an arm and leg to just feel some interest in something. Apathy is all I've got.
I think the last 3 years especially have just beaten me down. I'm tired. I'm tired of really crappy bad luck and bad decisions to go with. I'm tired of always having to choose between one pile of shit or the other. I'm tired of there never being any *good* choices. I'm tired of just surviving.
This wasn't meant to be such a whiny post. I had just been thinking of things I miss. So, here's a list.
- I miss having dreams. (Not the kind you have at night, the kind you build your life on)
- I miss reading. (I can't seem to sit still long enough these days, I'm antsy and bouncing all around)
- I miss sleeping through the night. (Thank you, back that cannot stay in bed)
- I miss my mom. (No, she's not dead, but she's 82 this year and has Alzheimer's and I hate being around my father so I don't visit as often as I should)
- I miss my horses (But, the longer I go without them, the more it seems like it would be easier to not move them here with us)
- I miss my 18 year old body (Heck, I'd be happy to see my 30 year old body again)
- I miss enjoying food (Thank you Doctor that did that gall bladder removal, my stomach hasn't been happy since you left ... ok, it wasn't overly happy with it either, but damn it, I still miss food)
- I miss the butterflies in my stomach when Garf kisses me.
- I miss having Garf brush my hair for me, when he'd brush it just to brush it, and not just to get the tangles out.
- I miss having Garf run his fingers up and down my back. He used to do that ALL the time. Now, if it happens every couple of months I figure he must be looking for sex. Now there's a thing ... practically any time he talks to me for even a minute about anything other than the weather I assume he's just looking for something. And, with that sentence, I think I just figured out where my sex drive went.
I hate, hate, hate, this rut we're in. Every day is just the same as the one before it and the day after will be no different. There's never anything new. It's dull and predictable and boring as hell. I'm probably one of few mothers who can't wait for the kids to vacate. I love 'em, I'd do anything for them, but please, hurry up and leave!!
I love living in the middle of nowhere. I really do. But I'm starting to think that it was one of our worst decisions. We're cut off from too much and because I can't drive, we stay that way. Cut off. Now, I'm not a big people person, not even close, but even I'm starting to go a little stir crazy. I'm not sure it would make any difference to me though. Even were there somewhere to go, I probably wouldn't go. No, I don't think it's really the location (though for the kids I do wish we'd picked anything but here ... part of that decision is the damn zoo we keep, we NEED middle of nowhere). I am mentally bored ... as if there's any other way to be bored.
I need something ... some kind of change. I just can't pin it down.
Garf keeps talking (ha, if every week or two allows me to use the words *keeps*) about maintenance, about not really knowing how, when, what ... blah blah. I mean, I can't even say anything anymore. I'm not interested. Because it's just the same conversation we've been having for months. As much as I wanted this, or needed it ... I'm just losing steam. It still just feels too much like he's just trying to keep things quiet.