Monday, 18 September 2017

Missing

16 years is a long time. Along the way, we lose things. It's inevitable I suppose. Life happens, routine, ruts. You get caught up in keeping your little people alive, and diapers changed. Diapers were a huge part of our lives for almost half of the time Garf and I have been together. Everything revolved around diapers and soothers and bedtimes. It's just the way it goes, right?
But what now? What's next? The kids don't need us so much anymore, not even the youngest. Though she's far more clingy then the rest of them, even she doesn't *need* us to keep her alive. (But I guess it helps that we pay for and do the grocery shopping) It feels like without that glue that we are just drifting. Drifting along, drifting away.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's just me that feels so detached from it all. Maybe I'm just in a horrible mood. Maybe. Maybe I'm just getting older and starting to realize that time (MY time) isn't infinite. That time passes and you can't have it back. That you don't get do-overs. That *this* isn't what I wanted to end up with. I can't really complain. I've got far more than many people do. But what good is having everything when none of it was what you wanted in the first place? I suppose that makes me a most ungrateful person. Maybe so. But I just can't seem to be un-miserable. I'm floundering and I just don't know how to fix it. Because I don't even know what I DO want anymore. I would give an arm and leg to just feel some interest in something. Apathy is all I've got.


Image result for apathy

Image result for apathy


I think the last 3 years especially have just beaten me down. I'm tired. I'm tired of really crappy bad luck and bad decisions to go with. I'm tired of always having to choose between one pile of shit or the other. I'm tired of there never being any *good* choices. I'm tired of just surviving.

This wasn't meant to be such a whiny post. I had just been thinking of things I miss. So, here's a list.


  • I miss having dreams. (Not the kind you have at night, the kind you build your life on)
  • I miss reading. (I can't seem to sit still long enough these days, I'm antsy and bouncing all around)
  • I miss sleeping through the night. (Thank you, back that cannot stay in bed)
  • I miss my mom. (No, she's not dead, but she's 82 this year and has Alzheimer's and I hate being around my father so I don't visit as often as I should)
  • I miss my horses (But, the longer I go without them, the more it seems like it would be easier to not move them here with us)
  • I miss my 18 year old body (Heck, I'd be happy to see my 30 year old body again)
  • I miss enjoying food (Thank you Doctor that did that gall bladder removal, my stomach hasn't been happy since you left ... ok, it wasn't overly happy with it either, but damn it, I still miss food)
  • I miss the butterflies in my stomach when Garf kisses me. 
  • I miss having Garf brush my hair for me, when he'd brush it just to brush it, and not just to get the tangles out. 
  • I miss having Garf run his fingers up and down my back. He used to do that ALL the time. Now, if it happens every couple of months I figure he must be looking for sex. Now there's a thing ... practically any time he talks to me for even a minute about anything other than the weather I assume he's just looking for something. And, with that sentence, I think I just figured out where my sex drive went. 
Welcome to the rut that is my life.

I hate, hate, hate, this rut we're in. Every day is just the same as the one before it and the day after will be no different. There's never anything new. It's dull and predictable and boring as hell. I'm probably one of few mothers who can't wait for the kids to vacate. I love 'em, I'd do anything for them, but please, hurry up and leave!! 

I love living in the middle of nowhere. I really do. But I'm starting to think that it was one of our worst decisions. We're cut off from too much and because I can't drive, we stay that way. Cut off. Now, I'm not a big people person, not even close, but even I'm starting to go a little stir crazy. I'm not sure it would make any difference to me though. Even were there somewhere to go, I probably wouldn't go. No, I don't think it's really the location (though for the kids I do wish we'd picked anything but here ... part of that decision is the damn zoo we keep, we NEED middle of nowhere). I am mentally bored ... as if there's any other way to be bored. 

I need something ... some kind of change. I just can't pin it down. 

Garf keeps talking (ha, if every week or two allows me to use the words *keeps*) about maintenance, about not really knowing how, when, what ... blah blah. I mean, I can't even say anything anymore. I'm not interested. Because it's just the same conversation we've been having for months. As much as I wanted this, or needed it ... I'm just losing steam. It still just feels too much like he's just trying to keep things quiet. 





2 comments:

  1. Hey Penny, If for no other reason than to quit being bored, PLAY with your kids and your husband. Start switching things up and surprising everyone but don't expect anything in return. Don't even expect anyone to notice. Do it for your own entertainment. When you do laundry, hide love notes in Garf's pockets but again, don't expect a reaction. Just do it. Play games at dinner with the whole family - spark conversation with everyone. Make life fun and whatever you do, never make a list of what you miss unless you are planning to burn it with the mindset that you are never going to think about it again. If you want to feel differently about your life, make a list of what you have and what you love. If you want dreams, do a dream board - have the kids do them too. Visual clues are great for me. And please don't wish away the time with your kids. If you think you are bored and lonely now, you ain't seen nothing yet. Girl, you need to start building YOU. Garf will come around and may even be intrigued. If not, by the time he figures out you are fulfilled and happy without him, you won't care anymore... because you will be fulfilled and happy. Amy - none of my business, Eric would smack my butt for this post.

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  2. First off let me apologize for not commenting yesterday- I know how it feels to pour your heart out in a post like this only to not get many comments. Yesterday was not a great day here either.

    I think it is important to share when you feel this way- even if it is in a list, because if you can't identify where you currently feel you are lacking you can't figure out a way to climb out.

    That being said, years ago I was in a similar mindset. Sure the list was different, but the feeling was the same. The one difference was the fact that I didn't want to sentence Barney to a life with a woman who couldn't seem to find happiness. It wasn't fair ( and maybe you feel the same way you just didn't include it). This was the time I started researching on how to reach a greater connection with my husband. I did a few things I found online, like greet him at the door with a 20 second hug ( urgh a LONG TIME). We started a cook together night every Saturday he was available. These little things started to work. I then stumbled upon ttwd. Now while it worked, at times it also opened the flood gates to all sorts of emotions both good and bad!

    It is a difficult process to begin really- learning to deal with such intense emotions. What I mean to say, at least for me, it was such an overwhelming feeling these emotions, and often I misplaced them. I refer to it as the 'loudest voice in the room'. Initially I would instantly believe I felt this way because...(usually because it was the emotion I was most familiar with from my life pre-ttwd) and embrace it. Nine times out of ten it wasn't that. As I have said before control from me is from fear. Anger is generally from hurt. Depression can be from hurt or feeling neglected. The 'bad' thing about emotions is they can leech into areas where they really shouldn't. Sort of like not being able to see the forest for the trees...or a mist that blinds us to the other factors.

    When ttwd is working it puts perspective in areas where it seems to lack when it isn't working ( at least for me). Instead of being lonely in times of solitude, I can embrace the time to reflect and rejuvenate. Things like that. When ttwd is working, it allows you to feel like you have a person in your corner. Once you feel you have that, you are able to see there generally aren't just one but many people in your corner and life becomes easier.

    Currently it sounds like you feel alone. I can suggest doing things that usually make you happy, but you know sometimes it is like eating when your nose is stuffed up. You know it SHOULD taste good, but it lacks flavour. I am going to suggest something different. Something that might make you feel something else. Years ago I asked Barney to fill out a questionnaire, I told him I found it online. I made up questions like what he likes me to wear, how he likes my hair, types of underwear, how he likes to see the house when he gets home, rooms he can't stand untidy, his favourite meal, etc...I then started to do those things for him- and in turn for us. It gave me a purpose beyond just myself. It made me focus on his happiness, which in turn made me happy.

    I find September a difficult month here, the taste of summer is around, but the sunlight is definitely different and we know in Canada what is just around the corner! Darkness. Try not to see what is around the corner, or what was- try and embrace the surroundings for what they are.

    willie

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