Saturday, 30 September 2017

My own little bubble

I so need to have some kind of schedule. I get caught up looking for jobs, being overly picky maybe  and I waste so much time. I've been enjoying the grading part of the job, for the most part, but sometimes I like transcribing for a break. It seems to work out that when there are no grading jobs, there's nothing I'm willing to transcribe. But I also need to learn the ways of captioning because that seems like some far more enjoyable. I'm slightly jealous of the people that are captioning cool t.v. shows and old horror movies while I'm stuck starting at the "rookie" jobs that I'm scared to death of. So not only do I need to do some jobs to make money, I have to fit in learning something new. Also laundry and dishes and cooking never go away. I'd be quite happy to lock myself up in a tiny room with my headphones and just work from morning til bedtime. Which is sort of what I've been doing the last few weeks anyway. I'm wasting a ton of time, but at the same time, all my time is going into working.
It's like a ... bubble? I have my own little world to live in and no one else is there with me. The problem is, the more time I spend like that, the less time I want to be around anyone else. I don't have to care whether or not Garf's paying attention because I'm not paying attention to him either. I don't care if he ever figures anything out or not. I'm not "here" anymore. I've placed a neat little wall around myself and now I don't want to come out. That makes me a little sad, but at the same time it's more ... peaceful inside. I've drowned out all the voices with 15 hours of audio a day. I can't listen to what's in my head when I have to hear what's in my ears. And then I sleep and I fill my ears with more noise. No more thinking going on in my head. I'm ok with that for now.


Wednesday, 27 September 2017

Stolen from Amy

Boredom strikes, so ....

Marriages – 1
Proposals – 5.  6 if I count the half joking (I hope) one.
Divorces – 0
Surgeries – 3
Tattoos – None
Piercings – 2 if both ears count

Ever:

Shot a gun – Once

Quit a job – Yeah, a few

Been on TV – No  

Fallen in love –   A couple times

Driven cross country – Half of it too many times to count

Hit a deer – Nope

Watched a birth – No

Ridden in an ambulance – Once

Sung karaoke – Hell no

Ice skated – Lots when I was a kid

Been surfing – No 

Seen the ocean – Live right next door to it 

Ridden a horse - Yes 

Almost died – Real death or "Death by embarrassment?" No and more times than I want to count

Been punched – No

Punched back – No

Are you:

In love now – Most of the time

Time Management

It's hard to do any of the things I want to do and hard to do the things I have to do. Time is killing me. I wish I could function with less sleep. I need to be making money as we're so close to maybe digging out of the mess we're in and yet, so close to having a much bigger mess, depending on just how much longer job's Garf will last. If it drags on another 2 weeks, maybe things will be ok. If it doesn't? I don't want to think about how hairy things can get. And I just can't make enough money! If the work isn't there, there's nothing I can do about it. Problem is, I practically have to sit on the job postings every minute because there's no telling when something will turn up. And while I'm doing that, dishes, laundry, cooking, general clean up ... it sits undone. Kids need my attention too. Not so much the 2 oldest, they are self sufficient and do what they need to be doing (school work) and aren't in my hair so much. Youngest one though ... it's constant. She talks at me non-stop, whether I'm working or not. So I have a lot of stop and start while she's telling me about the latest thing she's sewing for her dolls. Or what food she's feeding them. Or what color she likes today. Or how long she can hold a handstand. Or how much she hates eating chicken. Or how mean her brother is to her. Or her sister never talks to her about her personal life. And on, and on, and on ... I could be working, reading, trying to rest and lose a headache, following a recipe, and that child will just keep going. Trying to drag her through schoolwork is a HUGE undertaking because she will talk, and talk, and talk ... reading a paragraph takes 10 minutes because she has to tell me what she thought this or that word was (when she gets it wrong), why she thought that, and then talk in general about each and every sentence. I tried to get her big sister to help me out by helping the little one and getting me some breathing space ... nope, nope, NOPE! Little one won't cooperate with big sister because little one wants me and only me. ALL THE TIME!! And if I try to force the issue, both girls end up upset with each other and I end up with the youngest bawling like her best friend just died.
I somehow have to work out a schedule that actually works. I can't just say I'm going to work from say 9-5, because maybe there's no work between those hours, but there might be a ton between 7-12 am, or 6-10 pm. There's no way to tell how it's going to be on any day. How the hell do I schedule that? If it was just for some extra money, I'd just set some hours and if the work is there, great, if not, on to something else. But we NEED every damn penny right now. Time management? Ha!

On the DD front? I don't even know. Garf still gets all the perks of having me do all the nice things for him. Not like I mind that, I mean, I would do all the things anyway. It's not like I need the threat of spanking to make me bring him his damn socks. That's kind of what I'm here for. Problem is, there's still nothing for me. I guess I'm just annoyed by the fact that apparently I'm supposed to have endless patience. Him telling me every couple of weeks that he's still thinking about it is supposed to be enough for me. 8 months and counting ... (and that's NOT counting the 3 years before because THIS time, he promised me he'd do whatever he had to do to get this right). So, I'm frustrated and I've given up even saying anything to him. What's the point? It's just making me pull myself further back and away from him, but so what? He doesn't notice anyway. He hasn't figured out yet that "Not upset me"  is far worse than "Upset me". Upset me means I am still here. Not upset ... I've checked out.

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I've had so many dreams in which Garf has stood by and let me drown. Funny thing. One time though, it wasn't his fault ... I had a really bad cold and literally couldn't breathe.

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I wish that were the truth ... I think it mostly means that someone is very good at retreating behind walls where it's safer. But maybe some day it will BE the truth. One can hope. I'd like very much to just not care at all anymore.

*sigh* Must go back to making my pennies. Maybe I can pay the hydro bill next week. 




Wednesday, 20 September 2017

Excitement

Maybe all this going around in circles somehow works for me. I think I may have figured out some of what's going on. Or maybe, in this case, what's NOT going on. I need something new. I need to figure out just what that thing is though. I need to find something that excites me. I'm literally bored to tears. That's an unusual state for me. I don't think I've ever been truly bored in my life. I can spend hours doing nothing and that's fine because I live in my head. I don't need outside entertainment. Or at least, I didn't before.

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Somewhere along the way, I lost me. Things have always been hard for us. 5 kids drain bank accounts faster than you can imagine. Bad luck doesn't help. And these 3-4 last years have been over the top hard for us. We've been screwed over, we've had dumb luck, bad luck, and the good luck things ended up turning bad too. I'm tired of starting over. Tired of getting kicked when we're already down. Tired of getting back up and trying again. Bad things happening ... I kind of just always looked at them as excuses to try again, start over, do something new. And now, I'm realizing that I'm really just tired of it. I've finally gotten old enough that I feel like settling down. Problem is ... I don't know what I want to settle down to anymore! I don't know what makes me happy anymore.

Poor Garf. I've dragged him everywhere trying to find ... something. I don't even know what I'm looking for anymore. I need something, I need a reason that's all mine. I get up every day because there are kids. That's been my life for 21 years. That's not really a bad thing, and some days, it was a very good thing because I may not have gotten up otherwise. I made things happen that should have been impossible because I had kids and there was no other choice. But now ... I need something that is just for me. I need to find what makes me happy. Books make me happy ... but sitting on my ass reading books all day is not quite what I'm aiming for. lol I need to do something that means something. Something that has an actual purpose. I'm tired of seeing myself 5, 10, 15 years down the road and everything being exactly like it is right now.

I've always wanted to have a little hobby farm. I'm not sure I'm up for that anymore. Physically, I don't know that's something I can do. It seems another part of my body quits on me every other day. Knees, hips, back, shoulder, collarbone ... it can be all of them, or just some of them, on any given day. Sometimes, I can go shopping and I'm fine. Other days, 10 minutes of it and my body makes me pay for days. Sometimes, I can eat and not feel like crap. Most times, I feel like crap if I eat more than a few mouthfuls. I can't seem to find any pattern to help me avoid the bad days. About the only thing I've actually pinned down is that when I'm feeling really bad emotionally, pain flares up unbelievably bad and nothing can knock it back to a tolerable level. That's not much help.

So, a list ... I can make a list. But how do I turn that list into something I can DO? Also, I'm limited by my body and what it's capable of and the fact that I can't drive means anything I can think of is restricted to home for the most part.

One step at a time ... a list of what makes me happy.

1. Horses. I can train them, but they make very expensive pets.
2. Dogs. I love my dogs, but we already have 3. I don't think we're getting any more. But ... I CAN train a dog. One of my girls would easily make a service dog. She's clever and a people pleaser which is a great combination. Not like I'd be giving her up though ... I may need her some day. lol
3. Writing. I used to love writing, just to write. Not so much these days. I think that's just a side effect of being so damn bored. I don't have a lot left to say anymore, not even to myself.
4. Homestead/hobby farm ... this is something that's probably the closest thing I have to having a dream. I've always wanted to do this. Problem is, this is not a one person household and my dream is not necessarily anyone else's. And while I *could* do it myself, I already know that having so many hands around me that are capable but not willing ... well, it just pisses me off. I really like the idea of being as self-sufficient as possible, having a nice, cozy little cabin or something, gardens, critters.
5. Reading. I love reading, but I don't make time for it anymore. I let my time get sucked up on Facebook. That is like some horrible addiction. Still, that's only for my amusement, it's not DOING something.
6. Learning. Strange as this may sound, I love learning. (Except for anything related to math)


Well, what can I do with such a short list? Obviously, Garf makes me happy too, but not the kind of happy I'm looking for. He's not responsible for my happiness, or lack of. It's just nice having him around. (Speaking of Garf, he called me this morning to tell me, at some time other then when we're in bed, that he thinks he's almost got his head on right. Good to know. lol Still not holding my breath, but I still appreciate the fact that he even mentioned it.) Anyway ... that's a pretty short list. But, those are the things I love. Basically, animals and wilderness and internet. lol

1. Horses ... I guess not even having my own with me right now, that doesn't even make a decent hobby. And as much as I'd love to maybe rescue some horses be able to rehome them, that's probably a job for folks richer than us. Not to mention that our property isn't big enough. We'd be pushing it just with my own horses.

2. Dogs. I don't know what the market is like around here for trainers. I doubt there's many, but I also doubt there is a big need for any. Like me, I assume most people are happy if they're dogs don't shit in the house and maybe know a trick or two. My angry little dog knows nothing ... except how to spin and bow. lol I never taught him to sit because it's just not necessary. It *is* possible that I could get some interest at the animal shelter, it's actually not too far from us. It doesn't take long to teach a dog a few cool behaviors that would make them more adoptable and I imagine the shelter would be willing to let me volunteer my services to do so and perhaps I could leave business cards with them to go home with newly adopted dogs. I did have a career counselor suggest that I may have some luck with that. My main problem with that is ... I can't drive. That makes me inconvenient to people if they had to come to me. It is something I'm totally capable of doing though. I'm good at it and I love doing it. (Don't ask why I can't be bothered to really train my own dogs though. Apathy again.)

3. Writing. Well, I don't know. I don't enjoy it as much as I used to, and it's really not DOING anything, is it? I'm no best selling author in the making. These days though, with everyone self publishing and selling e-books on Amazon, who knows ...

4. Homesteading ... well, we have a house, a garage that would easily convert to a barn, a shed that is perfect for chicken coop (or ducks because I really am not that fond of chickens, but I DO love incubating and hatching the little ones lol). What we're missing is land size. We have only an acre. So that's limiting. There may be the possibility of using, renting, or even buying some of the land around us though. There are no neighbors across or on either side of us, just trees. But would I want to be doing all of the work mostly by myself? I'm not sure. I'd have to get over being angry with everyone else for NOT wanting the same thing. Put like that ... hmm ... maybe it's something I need to think about more. As I keep saying, those kids aren't going to be here for much longer, just three years and 2 more will be gone, leaving me with the animal crazy one for a few more.

5. Reading ... well, that's not going to be a career choice. lol I'd make a damn good editor though. Anyone need any proof reading done?

6. Learning. I can't afford to become a career student. And in the end, I can learn as much as I'd like online for free and it still won't do much good. It certainly won't pay me. With the ridiculous work I do from home, which some days can be 15 hours and some days maybe only half an hour ...  I don't really have time for things that amuse me. I need to do something that excites me in some way and transcribing, or grading other people's transcriptions, doesn't really do it for me. (Though it IS nice to make a few bucks every week that I wouldn't be able to otherwise. I think time management is a problem here too. On slow days, I will literally sit refreshing the work page constantly, for the whole day, just to snag a small handful of jobs ... basically wasting a day waiting to NOT earn anything. I'm stubborn and knowing that we really need that extra right now keeps me sitting there though)

I need to find something I want to do, something I'm good at doing, something that doesn't cost money and if I could make some, that would be a bonus. It's really hard being a one income family when you have the kind of luck we've had lately. Thank goodness I'm a budgeting whiz.

How can there only be 6 things that I actually enjoy?? What is up with that? Maybe once the kids are gone I really will go to China and teach ESL. I'd be good at that. Too bad I don't really like other people's children much. I like my kids. I mean, I don't just love 'em cuz I have to, I actually like them. They are pretty cool people. Other people's kids?? No thanks. I've never liked kids. Or people, really.

I dunno, I'm really, really bored with my life right now and I need to find something to focus on. I'm pretty sure that my biggest problem right now is just flat out boredom. Not like everything else is all peachy, but it's really getting to me that I'm not doing anything that has a real purpose. I think that's what's at the bottom of this. I think. Or maybe, I'm just impossible to please and therefore will always be miserable and bitchy about everything. Blah!!





Tuesday, 19 September 2017

No more inches to give

I need to thank my fellow bloggers that not only take the time to read my daily whines, (I may need a new name for my blog ... My Daily Wine ... err, Whine) but also take the time to leave such thoughtful, insightful, and encouraging comments for me. I find them truly helpful. When it comes to needing a different way to look at something you guys never let me down. You offer such great advice and  I do my best to take it, (because while I may not talk sense some times, I do recognize good sense when I see it) and often, it helps in some way when I do.

But then there are the times when I've got my heels dug in and I'm refusing to give one more inch.

 

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I'm just really tired of everything right now. I don't even know what I want or need. I have no idea what would actually make me happy. I don't know what that life would look like. I'm limited by financial crap, my own physical limitations, and now, just the fact that I can't work up any interest in anything. Things I wanted 3-4 years ago, I've pretty much given up on. Unless I was considering just walking away from my current life, whatever "dreams" I had ... well, I guess that's just what they are, dreams. Life and circumstances, finally, have beaten me down enough that I just don't care to try anymore.
It all sounds so depressing.

Everything just seems so pointless. Everything I do is pointless. There's no reason, no meaning. I'm still not really being very clear. Apparently I'm also a bit muddled. I have a lot in my head but I feel like I'm just chasing words around today.

I scrape up as much work as I can find, but I literally make pennies most weeks unless it's incredibly busy. It averages out to about 14/hr (not spectacular but getting do it on my own terms is nice) ... but that's only if there's work available. But when there's only 30 minutes of work throughout the whole day, what good is it then? I'm frustrated that I can't do more. Especially when we really need it to be more right now.

The kids don't need me anymore. They can all cook (and real food, not just Kraft Dinner), they can do laundry, they are busy doing their own things that don't involve me so much. Thankfully we have a pretty good relationship with all the kids ... even the ones that have moved out still keep me up to date on what they're up to. I don't have to ask them, they usually come to me first. And that's a good thing. Our kids don't hate us and we've had very few of the typical teenage problems. So we did good with them. But, they're ... done. They're pretty much fully cooked. This time next year, it's likely there will only be 2 left.
Soon, it'll just be Garf and I and whatever we have left between us. I'm a little on the scared side that there's really nothing there but years of habit and kids and discussions about the weather. I'm scared that absolutely nothing is ever going to change. I want life to be more than just getting up, and going to bed. With some nonsensical filler in between.

I don't quite know where I was trying to go with all this. Except that maybe I wanted more than just being the maid.

I do know just how pathetic I sound right now. I don't know ... I'm just extremely irritated with myself for letting my life go without putting up a fight for it. Maybe, more than anything else, I'm just pissed off about that.

I know I need to shake this off. I know that I'm my own worst enemy right now, and I know I need to *do* something. Today is just not that day. I did the dishes and delegated supper to the kids ... that's my accomplishment for the day.

Monday, 18 September 2017

Missing

16 years is a long time. Along the way, we lose things. It's inevitable I suppose. Life happens, routine, ruts. You get caught up in keeping your little people alive, and diapers changed. Diapers were a huge part of our lives for almost half of the time Garf and I have been together. Everything revolved around diapers and soothers and bedtimes. It's just the way it goes, right?
But what now? What's next? The kids don't need us so much anymore, not even the youngest. Though she's far more clingy then the rest of them, even she doesn't *need* us to keep her alive. (But I guess it helps that we pay for and do the grocery shopping) It feels like without that glue that we are just drifting. Drifting along, drifting away.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's just me that feels so detached from it all. Maybe I'm just in a horrible mood. Maybe. Maybe I'm just getting older and starting to realize that time (MY time) isn't infinite. That time passes and you can't have it back. That you don't get do-overs. That *this* isn't what I wanted to end up with. I can't really complain. I've got far more than many people do. But what good is having everything when none of it was what you wanted in the first place? I suppose that makes me a most ungrateful person. Maybe so. But I just can't seem to be un-miserable. I'm floundering and I just don't know how to fix it. Because I don't even know what I DO want anymore. I would give an arm and leg to just feel some interest in something. Apathy is all I've got.


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I think the last 3 years especially have just beaten me down. I'm tired. I'm tired of really crappy bad luck and bad decisions to go with. I'm tired of always having to choose between one pile of shit or the other. I'm tired of there never being any *good* choices. I'm tired of just surviving.

This wasn't meant to be such a whiny post. I had just been thinking of things I miss. So, here's a list.


  • I miss having dreams. (Not the kind you have at night, the kind you build your life on)
  • I miss reading. (I can't seem to sit still long enough these days, I'm antsy and bouncing all around)
  • I miss sleeping through the night. (Thank you, back that cannot stay in bed)
  • I miss my mom. (No, she's not dead, but she's 82 this year and has Alzheimer's and I hate being around my father so I don't visit as often as I should)
  • I miss my horses (But, the longer I go without them, the more it seems like it would be easier to not move them here with us)
  • I miss my 18 year old body (Heck, I'd be happy to see my 30 year old body again)
  • I miss enjoying food (Thank you Doctor that did that gall bladder removal, my stomach hasn't been happy since you left ... ok, it wasn't overly happy with it either, but damn it, I still miss food)
  • I miss the butterflies in my stomach when Garf kisses me. 
  • I miss having Garf brush my hair for me, when he'd brush it just to brush it, and not just to get the tangles out. 
  • I miss having Garf run his fingers up and down my back. He used to do that ALL the time. Now, if it happens every couple of months I figure he must be looking for sex. Now there's a thing ... practically any time he talks to me for even a minute about anything other than the weather I assume he's just looking for something. And, with that sentence, I think I just figured out where my sex drive went. 
Welcome to the rut that is my life.

I hate, hate, hate, this rut we're in. Every day is just the same as the one before it and the day after will be no different. There's never anything new. It's dull and predictable and boring as hell. I'm probably one of few mothers who can't wait for the kids to vacate. I love 'em, I'd do anything for them, but please, hurry up and leave!! 

I love living in the middle of nowhere. I really do. But I'm starting to think that it was one of our worst decisions. We're cut off from too much and because I can't drive, we stay that way. Cut off. Now, I'm not a big people person, not even close, but even I'm starting to go a little stir crazy. I'm not sure it would make any difference to me though. Even were there somewhere to go, I probably wouldn't go. No, I don't think it's really the location (though for the kids I do wish we'd picked anything but here ... part of that decision is the damn zoo we keep, we NEED middle of nowhere). I am mentally bored ... as if there's any other way to be bored. 

I need something ... some kind of change. I just can't pin it down. 

Garf keeps talking (ha, if every week or two allows me to use the words *keeps*) about maintenance, about not really knowing how, when, what ... blah blah. I mean, I can't even say anything anymore. I'm not interested. Because it's just the same conversation we've been having for months. As much as I wanted this, or needed it ... I'm just losing steam. It still just feels too much like he's just trying to keep things quiet. 





In need of repair

I've been staring at this blank page for days. I feel like I'm out of words. Out of feelings. Out of order.


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Sadly, there's no repair man handy.

I'm stressed. I'm irritated. I'm tired. I feel like I'm in need of a change, but I don't know just what change I'm looking for. I'm sitting here holding a life that I'm not interested in.


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It doesn't. It hides. It can become less. But it doesn't get better. Somehow, I ended up with everything and nothing.

I can never decide between feeling hopeless or helpless.


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Thankfully, I can swim too. It may take me some time, and I might just be treading water mostly, but  I can still swim longer. But damn it, I'm tired.


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Monday, 11 September 2017

Adulting

Wow, I was all grown up today. Did all the laundry, sweeping/mopping downstairs, dishes,  AND made pizza dough for panzerotti's. Is that even how you spell it?? Ah, who cares ... I manages small living skills today. lol Tomorrow is the upstairs.

Sunday, 10 September 2017

How do you feel?

Well, thanks for asking, I don't know.

Garf has been ... trying some different ideas out. Before I go any further, I need to say, this is actually a much more difficult change for me than I expected. All of a sudden, I'm not feeling very ... agreeable. lol I have an urge to resist and fight everything he says. And I'm not sure why. We're not talking anything big here, just the odd, "Come downstairs and help with ..." and I say, "You don't need any help with that, you don't want my help with that, you told me to butt out last time," kind of thing. Do this, do that, followed by me whining that I don't really want to, I'd rather not. I am going to get up and go any way ... but not without the whining and resisting first. Truthfully, I would much rather stay at my computer doing whatever it is I'm doing, but really, how hard is it to just up and do? So ... that's a thing I want to work on. It's really not fair to him that I give him such a hard time over doing pretty much what I told him I wanted him to do in the first place. Perhaps I'm just testing the waters a bit. Pushing a little bit, testing his reactions. Does he mean it, does he even really care, what if I flat out said no?

So anyway, this morning I fetch our coffees and bring them to the bedroom and as I'm getting ready to sit back down at the computer he tells me to take off my robe and go bend over the end of the couch. (It's a futon actually, that we dragged up here so we can watch movies comfortably because my eyesight sucks) He'd even piled up some pillows so it wouldn't be too uncomfortable. I don't know why he wanted me to do that. Maybe he just likes looking at my ass. I don't know. I fussed and whined about it being cold and I didn't really want to, but I did do it. And stayed there until eventually he said I could stand at the foot of the bed, with the robe on, but it had to stay open. Well, that took up almost a full hour of my time this morning!

Just a while ago we had to run out to the grocery store and after driving awhile, he turns off the radio and says, "How did that make you feel this morning?" Well ... you know what, I don't actually know. I was bored, irritated, bored, irritated some more. But ... I have to give a little here, underneath all that, it does make me happy. Almost. Because he's trying, testing, getting comfortable (I hope?) ... but wrapped up in the happy is the feeling that I'm waiting for it to go away again. That this will only last for a few days and then he'll be backing off again. Also, there is that old, "hurry up and do more" feeling. (I shouldn't say that after 4 days of edging which seems to amuse him to no end)

In my last post I mentioned that Garf had gotten it right again. He happened to pop in to read the blog (I really didn't think he did that often, surprise) and wondered just how he'd gotten it right. Exactly what it was that he'd done right. For starters, he didn't leave me upset for days and days ... though I do wish he'd get to it faster, it's still progress. If anything, trying to get this whole DD thing right has helped us in that department. But ... the real trick he's learned is this: When I'm curled up in bed blubbering like my dog just died, all he needs to do is wrap his arms around me and pull me real close ... and stick his damn thumb in my mouth. lol I don't know why that works so well. But somehow, doing that makes him more present in the moment, more like he's actually there for me, that he's taking care of me. And, it's just soothing somehow and well, it just works. (I think a bottle of vodka with a nipple on it would work just as well though!)

So ... how do I feel? Well, you know what, I still don't know.

Friday, 8 September 2017

Notes to self

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That's me ... overreacting. Silly me.



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Some day, that will be me.





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Someone in this relationship needs to chill the hell out. I think it could be me. lol How is this happening? How is it that Garf is progressing (more often than not) and I am doing all the backsliding?? I will spare us all the details of me acting like a twit. But once again, (a bit late perhaps) Garf is the one that pulled us back from the edge. There's been some weird role reversal go on around here. That's usually MY job.  I get a little antsy (as usual) when I feel like he's slipping away. When he's not doing enough, doing it fast enough. Same old story. I feel like we are going to be stumbling around in this for a very long time. But once again ... he did the right thing. The exact right thing. It took him awhile to come to it, and yet, it was still faster than it would have been 6 months ago. I just can't seem to help myself these days. Having had a little taste, I refuse to loosen my grip enough to let it happen at it's own (or Garf's) pace.

I'm not making any promises here, but I am going to try to stop whining. I hate whining! Especially when it's the spoiled kind of whining about not getting what I want, when I want it.


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Image result for the art of being patient


Monday, 4 September 2017

Hindsight

When I started this blog, I thought naming it Hindsight was sorta funny. Not so much any more. My mom always used to say that a Leopard doesn't change it's spots (she was usually referring to one of my brothers lol). But, she's right. They've got spots, and you can't make them go away. People are much the same. They don't change.

Way back in February, mid month, Garf and I had a huge, big, very bad blow up. I was at the point where I would have been capable of walking out then and there ... IF I'd had a means to travel anywhere, IF I'd had any money, IF I'd had any way to manage with the kids, alone and unemployed. But miraculously, we came back from that. And then we came back around to the whole idea of DD and he said he'd do whatever he had to do. But a leopard doesn't/can't change it's spots. I guess what he really meant was he'd SAY anything.

He works really long hours, though now that the season is almost over and the sun is setting earlier every day, his days have become shorter as well. But ... he has time to spend a couple hours playing a game every day. Time to spend another half hour or so reading. There's nothing left for me. I wish I could say I'm upset. I don't think I am really. Or maybe it's just I'm kind of numb to it all now. Basically, everything is exactly as it was a year ago, two years, three years, even 10 years ago.

We literally talk about nothing other than the weather.

I think this is my last blog post. Whether we bounce back from this eventually or not ... I'm done whining about it. Done wishing for what I'm not ever going to have.
I threw out his God card yesterday. (Yes, he had a God card printed out, was sort of supposed to be a joke) I don't think he's noticed. Even if he did, I don't think he really cares. Not about this part of me. This part of me is something he's never really going to want. Kind of a dilemma.

So, I guess that's it. I mostly just wanted to say thank you to all of you who dropped in with your advice and encouragement. In the end nothing changed, but it did help me get through some bays, so thank you all for that. :)


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