Monday, 17 July 2017

Thank you coffee

I have to thank my coffee for making my morning better. I don't know what I'd do without it.

So, obviously the previous few posts make it pretty clear that things haven't been so great around here. It has been a LONG time since something like that has happened in my head. In fact, I don't even normally go there when I'm drunk. It really was a perfectly mixed cocktail. I DO feel a bit better today ... like I shook something loose last night.
Garf came to my rescue and finally came to bed. Tucked me into his arms and up close and he didn't say a word. Didn't try to make me talk. Thank God. I wasn't in any condition for talking last night. He just held me. And, as always, things went quiet in my head. They always do when he's holding me. When the storm clouds are swirling around me, that's all he ever needs to do ... but we always end up far apart instead. It's too hard for me to say I need him when I'm like that. Because I'm nothing but crazy at the time. I usually find a way to push him further away because it's easier than trying to explain how I went from ok one minute to bat shit crazy the next.
He asks me what's wrong ... with that "Here we go again," tone, the kind that should come with eye rolling, and his voice is filled with exasperation ... and I run from it. Because ... how do I tell him what's wrong? It's too ... big! It's not, "Oh, hey, I had a bad day cuz my coffee spilled, the kids are driving me crazy," kind of thing. It's sometimes nothing more than the dogs barked too much today. That doesn't even make any kind of sense. Just sometimes, for whatever reason, the monsters come out to play, uninvited. And it's weird. Because generally, this stuff really doesn't bother me a whole lot anymore. It's just ... stuff that happened. A really long time ago. It doesn't bother me to talk about it, I don't get freaked out because I read something about stuff like that. It's just ... out of the blue, it seems. All the time. It just comes and grabs me out of nowhere for no reason that I can see. So, when he asks me what's wrong, I just kind of stare at him with a deer in the headlights look and say,
"Everything!" And in a way, that IS true. In that moment, everything in my world is wrong. But he can make everything right again just by not letting me run away from him. I wonder if we'll ever get it right ...
I don't wanna do this kind of crazy. I am responsible for my own actions ... not my past. That just can't be an excuse for me to go psycho bitch whenever the mood strikes. I'm not so sure I can count on Garf and DD to help. He backs away from me too fast at the first sign of trouble and THAT tends to make me spiral faster. He needs to do it, or not. I can't do this back and forth, start and stop. Only thing is ... if I don't have that, how the hell do I do it? I need him to do this for me but what if it's just too much for him, what if he really just doesn't want the job ...

On a better note ... all the pain is background noise again today. I don't have any desire to rip my leg off and beat someone with it. My back seems to be doing it's job alright. My hip isn't bothering me at all. I have my coffee and that's always good.
I don't think I'm going to have a great day ... but I'm determined it's not going to be a bad one either. I think ... just a day. A nice, normal day. With coffee.



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