Saturday, 2 December 2017

Endless loop

Some days, I feel like I'm caught in an endless loop. I hope this time we're playing a different tape.

I did ask Garf when we would talk ... he ignored the question that night, and the next day. And then that night we talked. It was a rather close call because by noon I was ready to tell him to stuff it, never mind, forget I asked. I was pissed. He knows I don't deal well with silence and ignoring an outright question ... ugh.
I guess all I can do now is wait and see if he will follow through on what he said. But here's where I'm afraid of the loop. We've been here before. A few times. I'm trying though, to be patient, and quiet, and let him do this his way.

Wednesday, 29 November 2017

One slow bite at a time

I am not a patient person. I try to be, but I'm not.

Me: We gonna talk about this?
Garf: Yes.

End conversation. lol

Well ... when damn it?!! Today, tomorrow, next week, next month, maybe next year? (Don't worry, I kept that part to myself. I did not say it.)

I need patience. It is enough, or should be enough, that the two days of ugly were not really that ugly at all. That compared to what would have happened a year ago had I come at him with an ultimatum (I don't like that word, not at all, but I guess that's what it was ... choose me, or not me ... what else is that but an ultimatum?). A year ago there would have been very angry people, tears, walls, very cold walls. That didn't happen this time. Well, for a couple hours it was a bit like that, but it cleared up pretty darn fast. It was still not on the same scale as it would have been. That alone is progress folks.

It is hard for me to trust the words though. And so I want to rush through it, hear the talking and then do something. I also know that is not going to help my cause. But ... waiting, waiting, waiting ... nope. I'm done waiting. I can do slow, I can do one step at a time, but 3 years of waiting just on this particular subject, 10 months of that actively waiting (he's off the hook for the first 2 years because he had promised nothing up to that point) is long enough. It's time to shit or get off the pot. Go ahead, screw up, make some mistakes, piss me off, whatever ... just do something!!

Ok ... all done, that is my half frustrated rant today.

Tuesday, 28 November 2017

Some encouragement needed here

Message from Garf - Gonna give you a prime example of me wimping out. I was gonna come home, take charge and tell you that you don't have a say in what happens now. This is over when I say it is over. And I didn't say it was over. I had big speech ready and all. And if you tried to interrupt, I would have told you to shut up. I brought you out to the porch for my smoke and wimped out cus the more I thought about it, the dumber it sounded.

But ladies ... I ask you ... does this sound like he has no clue? He gets it ... he just can't do it. lol

I have hope.

Inch by inch

Garf: So what do I do when an idea I have been working on seems like a good idea but when I really think about it, it really seems so stupid?

Well ... maybe there is some hope here. If he would stop shutting me out of everything, maybe there would be hope. I can't see him thinking. Endlessly thinking. If he were trying to decide what to have for dinner, he'd starve. Staying silent for weeks, saying he's sorry he's taking so long, and then another few weeks of silence ... no good. Not for me. He's gotta do something. I don't care if it's moving slowly, as long as it's moving. I wish I knew where it all got blocked up. Because one day it seemed we were on track, making progress, and then it just stopped. He was doing fine, I made sure to tell him he had it right and then he just went away.

I think ... I could be wrong, but it seems to me as if he feels like this is all on him, like he's gotta to figure it all out by himself. I don't know how to help him without taking over.

I don't know if I can even trust what I think is an almost open line of communication. I want to, but ... well, I guess I don't trust the words anymore. I need to see the trying, feel it, not just hear about it. I'm trying to keep the pictures in my head to a minimum, the expectations ... especially the expectation of another failure. I don't actually expect him to follow through. I think he will assume I've calmed down because I'm not breathing fire, because I stayed in bed and didn't move to the couch. That's how it usually goes. He feeds me what I want to hear until the storm's passed.

My feelings are 16 years old, and so it wasn't all about DD and the fact that he couldn't/wouldn't do it ... but I think it is a way to build a path back to each other, and so now, I guess it IS all about DD. I dunno ... I confuse myself sometimes.

Slowly, very slowly, inch by inch, one Facebook message at a time ... maybe we'll figure this out.

Monday, 27 November 2017

3 a.m. conversations

Some excerpts: Black him, blue me.

And I can't communicate what is in my head. I come up with ideas but when I think about them, they all seem stupid...crazy...Not me.

haha, because saying, "Beat me, it will make me feel better," isn't crazy? But ... crazy ... yup, that IS me. (this was in my head)

How many time can you saddle a dead horse before you realize you still can't ride it?

Well, I'm not known for giving up. How much ya wanna bet I could raise a horse from the dead? (in my head also)

My life needs to be more than just this endless get up, go to bed, with a talk about the weather in between. (Guess which two people went for a ride today? Topic of conversation ... the weather and gas prices)

I love you to death but I want to throttle you right now. I imagine the feeling's mutual.

Pretty much.

In the end, this isn't all about DD, or lack of, it's just become the mascot or something.

I don't know where we stand right now on that subject anyway. I don't know where we stand anywhere else either. I guess I'm wandering in my head wondering what to do with me, when I'm the one that is going to lose a big part of myself if he can't find a way to go forward with this. How do I let it go and be ok with it?

Sunday, 26 November 2017

What next ...

I've had a few very bad days. Things are about to change around here, but for better or worse, I don't know yet. It is quite possible that there is no longer an "US" in this house. I imagine he's pretty pissed, hurt maybe. I don't know. He's not talking to me right now. I can understand that. To make a long story short, I have finally reached a point where I am either going to have it all with that man that I love to death, or have nothing. It could very well blow up very badly in my face. I hope that it doesn't, I hope there is some way for us to get out of this, but it's all resting on him now. He can choose to fight for us, or not to, but I'm out unless he's all in.
My walls are firmly in place and it sucks.

No apologies

"I make no apologies for how I choose to repair what you broke." 

Nice quote from Grey's Anatomy

Friday, 24 November 2017


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Ha, folks, we have a winner! 2 actually, considering the Taurus.
That's all for today. I have words ... but not yet. I'm not ready yet.

Tuesday, 21 November 2017

Words, words, and more words

I do wish Garf would realize that telling me he's sorry he's taking so long and that being the only discussion on the topic is not really helping. Telling me that every few weeks is doing nothing but, again, shushing me for another little while. He's just not *getting* it. What I try to explain, it's going right over his head. His words don't mean anything to me. There's nothing behind them, just empty air. He keeps saying what he's going to do ... and then nothing happens. I wish he'd stop telling me things like, "Tonight we'll talk." if it's not going to happen. It's been months now of him saying stuff like that every week or so, getting my hopes up just so I can crash down again. If he's not gonna do it, why doesn't he just say so?
I'm just so irritated with it all right now that I actually just ran out of words. Because I'm just going to whine the same things that I've whining about in all the previous posts. I might as well just let him off the hook.

Saturday, 18 November 2017

The unfairness!

Someone is playing dirty :(
He went off to town earlier, asked if I wanted to go. Hell no. I hate having to go driving anywhere, and I especially hate going in the cold. This is my hibernation time. For a long time, he asked, and I went. Sometimes, I'd say no and he'd, "Too bad, you're going anyway" me. He didn't say a word this time. Just grabbed the kids instead and left me to my quiet house. (And yeah, that kind of pissed me off too)
They just got home ... he came home bearing food I don't have to cook. Just individual meals that pop in the oven. I've got salmon and some crab stuffed mushrooms. He doesn't like fish and is allergic to the crab. Good choice. I hardly ever have seafood because of this. But ... he also brought me Chinese. And not just enough for 1 ... dinner for 2. So I can eat twice as much. I do love my Chinese food. (egg rolls have already been munched!)
Last week it was ... There's freakin' mice in my kitchen (they really took over while we were on our little road trip) and they wouldn't go away, so I finally gave in and said it was time for some cat action. I sent a bunch of messages to people giving away cats. First came 2 brothers, the next day it was a girl (all of them fixed!) and then ... when I was happy with that (neither of us are cat people really, especially not him) I got one more message from someone with kittens. My weakness is orange kitties. I can not resist. He said no at first, but when I want, I get. Always.

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Well anyway ... my littlest daughter has been bugging for a cat. She's a crazy cat lady in the making. So of course we couldn't just take one. We had to bring the calico kitten home as well. There are now 5 cats in my damn house. (Upside ... I'm no longer seeing mouse turds on my counters in the mornings)

But see ... here's the problem.  It's hard to stay pissed with someone who does all the things. If only he would just do the thing. See ... problem!! Way to make me feel like the worlds' most ungrateful bitch Garf ...


I feel like a complete idiot for ever bringing this whole notion of DD to Garf in the first place. I actually feel totally stupid and embarrassed.
I don't know where things go from here. I'm tired of sleeping on the very edge of the bed. I'm tired of never talking. I'm so tired of feeling like I've got a roommate. I can't wait for him to go back to work next week. Doesn't sound like it'll be much at first ... a couple short shifts to get some "training".  Soon though, it'll be 12 hour shifts again. It's actually just too hard for me to be around him. I hurt too much right now. I'm looking forward to next week. Maybe, he needs to go back to truck driving.
We have kids, a house we're in the middle of buying (still). It's only temporary ... a few more years and life becomes less complicated. I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't think he's ever going to put up any real kind of fight for me. So I guess I'm done fighting for us. I don't know if there's any way to come back from feeling like this. I don't know if we can ever be good again. There are a few years left to put in yet, but I think I need to separate myself more from "our" life, and think more on making "my" life.
When I started this blog, this is not the direction I was planning on going ...

Friday, 17 November 2017

I saw a sign today ...
It said, "You are always only one decision away from a totally different life"
Interesting thought, huh?

Thursday, 16 November 2017

Lost time

I'm so angry. I don't even know what to do with this feeling anymore. Every day it just keeps building up. I'm pissed that I got dragged back and forth across the line so many times. Yes. No. Yes. No. I'll try. I can't do it. Blah, blah, blah. I'm angry at myself for letting him hurt me over and over and over. Not just about DD, though that has certainly toppled me over the edge. It's just 16 years of feeling like I'm on the bottom of the list. 16 years of having the same conversations and nothing ever changing. Soon ... it will be 17 years. End of February and it's 17 years for us.

I find it so strange that he gives me everything I want, but never what I need.

 I'm so damn angry. I feel like I've lost so much time. I'm never getting those years back. I feel old and defeated. I'm not THAT old yet ... but I feel it. Like there's nothing else out there for me. This is it. And this sucks.

I don't understand how he can say he loves me and yet just stand there and watch as I disappear. Eventually, he will wake up one day and I won't be here, and he won't understand why. And I just don't understand that. I don't understand it at all.

I don't understand why I'm still here. I don't understand why I let it get to this point. I haven't been happy in years. I just keep fighting to keep this together. I don't even know why any more. I wish he'd remind me. Because there had to have been a reason at some point, right?

Tuesday, 14 November 2017


Well, the long awaited lay off finally arrived on Friday. And while it was nice to have him around for a couple days with nothing very important needing to be done so we could just relax ... I'm ready for him to go back to work. Funny isn't it? 5 months ago I hated him being gone all the time. Now, it's just better if he's not here. I'm angry and hurt, and the less he is around me right now, the easier it is on me to try and keep it all buried underneath. The last few days I've done nothing but leak tears. Luckily, I think my eyeballs do this cool trick and suck the tears back in before they actually start dripping down my face.
I'm seriously tired of him telling me to do stuff. I do it, I don't bitch about it, but I'm pissed. I'm even more tired of how funny he thinks he is, taking a swat or two at me in passing ... because he's totally blind to how much I'm hurting right now.
Rant over.

Friday, 10 November 2017

My final thoughts

I keep wanting to write something here. I load it up ... and then I go away. I have nothing to say anymore. Not just here. I think I'm actually out of things to say to anyone.
Sometimes, I forget myself, and start to spout off ideas for future plans. And then I just trail off and go back to staring silently through the windows, or into the blank spaces before me. I'm not interested any more in what we do next. Because in the end, everything is still going to be just the same as it's been for years. There's no sense in talking about the next and last piece of property we'd like to buy, or what we might like to do with the house we live in right now. None of it matters to me. And, if I don't make the plans, if I don't say what's next ... well, there will be nothing but time passing.
I put so much effort in over the years to make Garf feel special, like he was the most important person (and to me, he was). I couldn't go out and buy something without him knowing about it because I didn't drive and living in the middle of nowhere ... well, he was special, but not a 4 hour walk kind of special (and that would have been just one way). But I did things ... spending hours hunched over my desk in secret, putting together videos for him, or making coupon books (you know, free massage, free blow job, that kind of thing) scrapbooks ... all the things to show him the things I couldn't always say. The last few years, that's all tapered off. The last attempt I made was last year ... and when he got up and wandered away before it was over ... well, even the kids were at a loss.

But anyway ... the point I was trying to make ... he's always had it easy when it came to me. He never had to do anything that required effort. Yes, he got me a horse for my birthday (but c'mon, I'm the one that works the budget so in the end, what I get or don't get is up to me).  Yes, when I run out of coffee he'll pass me his. Yes, he brings me a stuffed sheep almost every time he goes out (sometimes this could amount to 3 or 4 sheep in one week!). But ... nothing that ever required effort on his part. No Mother's Day morning in bed (I don't eat breakfast but not having to get my own coffee would have been nice, or not being the only one awake in the house for 3 or 4 hours). Half the time he forgets the actual day of my birthday that it IS my birthday (he's never forgotten my birthday altogether, he just tends to give me stuff before the day lol). He's never once given me anything that showed he actually put any thought into who I am. I love stuffed sheep ... but I don't need 200 of them. I never expected him to sit down and put together videos for me ... that's MY thing, because I enjoy it. Just once though ... I would have liked it if he'd brought me home some take out, passed me a drink, and settled us in for a movie. Without me having to say, "Hey, can we pick up some food and watch a movie?" Just once, I would have liked for some part of our lives to be his idea.

Tuesday, 7 November 2017

We often say things are hard when what we really mean is things are painful. Decisions ... some of them we call hard, are really just painful. They're not hard. We already know the answer, there's no decision to make. Just sometimes, they're painful. I guess the trick is just ... you gotta ride it out, you get through it. The hard part is making yourself do that. Fear of pain is what immobilizes you.

Tuesday, 24 October 2017

Oh, that endless rope ...

We never got a chance to talk last night. Kids dragged us into their podcast and by the time we wrapped that up, watched The Walking Dead, it was well past bedtime for us. Not surprising that we never have time when there's only about 3-4 available hours after he gets home. They are easily filled with eating, showers,  and kids. So, that leaves me trying to come up with stuff. I know all the things I would change about myself if I could, habits that is, not actually change me.

There are physical things, health things, that frankly, I think I'm too lazy to *really* want to do. Some external motivation would be nice. Sitting around saying I wish I ate better doesn't do shit. Habits are hard to break though. I've been living on coffee for many, many years now and ya know what? I don't want to give up my coffee. Not at all. Would it be better for me if I did? Of course. Same with the cigarettes. Well, I'd rather give them up instead of coffee cuz really, I need my lungs. And it would be nice if I could fit in some clothes. lol I've been living in my pj's for so long now, I've forgotten what it's like to wear clothes. 5 kids = me looking like I'm perpetually pregnant. All the weight went to my tummy and stayed there.

So, we have some physical health to worry about. Cigarettes are on top of the list, but I've pretty much tried all the stop smoking stuff and so far nothing really works. I just keep lighting up. The best I'd done was when we were cutting them back a couple a day every week and I was down to 6-7 a day (coming down from 20 or more, that was pretty good). Along with that will come all the side effects of withdrawals. The biggest worry being that I might kill someone. I don't drink anything other than coffee and Pepsi. Coffee, smokes, Pepsi ... that all might save a bit of money as well, if I could cut back on all of it.

Ok ... so for physical things, these are the things I'd like to work on. Increasing water consumption, cutting back some on coffee and Pepsi, losing some of the belly fat (and plus, I'm really just not in very good shape anymore, in any way) and, I really need to do something about eating habits. I don't eat anything all day, have a few bites of supper and then feel like crap the rest of the night. Probably for about 3 hours after a meal I feel like I've just eaten a 7 course meal, but when I eat smaller amounts during the day I don't have that problem AND I tend to actually feel hungry. Problem with that is I tend to shop to feed the whole family, and having to buy or cook separately for me is a little out of the budget. But if I put my mind to it, I can figure that end out. I just haven't because it's just as easy for me to go on as I have. I don't think Garf can beat an addiction out of me, so as far as the smokes go, I guess I just need to start cutting back again and maybe we can focus on the side effects, like me not killing people, or being too over the top bitchy. It may be an addiction, but the actual physical withdrawals are rather short lived, it's the mental attachment that is the thing. So, I guess I can agree to so many a day, again, cutting them back more and more until I'm not so crazy about it and he can figure out what to do if I choose to give in and go over the limit. It *was* relatively effective before, but it was difficult because he wasn't home every day. So, that's eating/drinking properly, exercising, and smoking. I know that these are probably at the top of Garf's list ... I'm no good to him sick or dead.

For me, the things that top the list are things that effect us as a couple. Any relationship damaging behavior needs to stop. But my problem is, it's not just me. lol I can't change him though. I can only work on me. I need to stop pulling back behind my walls every time he's not doing what I want him to, or how, or when. Self-preservation kicks in and I'll even throw up some extra walls if I feel I need to. He might be at the root of that, but in the end, the only thing I can control is my reaction. (I still say he's gotta do his part though. It's just not fair to expect me to get a grip if he won't meet me half way) When he sees me retreating, he needs to come get me. I think for me, the other big thing is I need to find something to focus on that's actually just for me. Not for the kids, not for Garf, but just something that's mine. I get all wrapped up in working and I don't really break from it much. While it's been necessary, I *could* have done a bit less and saved myself some headaches, exhaustion, eye strain ...

I guess those are my thoughts, now it's up to him to do something with them. *sigh* I'll be back next week bitching about this all ... *rolls out another 12 feet of rope*

Monday, 23 October 2017

Road trip!

So, it does look like this will be Garf's last week of work. Possibly because he asked for it. We are taking a trip and we wanted to do it before the snow starts flying. Meaning, *I* want to do it before the snow. Garf isn't bothered by snow or driving in it. The girl, the almost, but not quite grown one, is off to spread her wings a little bit. We were going to make her wait at least until her next birthday, but the girl needs to be out and around people far more than is possible where we are now. She'll have 2 brothers, some honorary brothers and sister, and her second mommy to look out for her, and a few other very good friends of ours as well, plus, one of her (sometimes) best friends. I hope she goes and never looks back and takes advantage of all the opportunities that are headed her way. They do grow fast once they start ... It's going to be a huge adjustment for us around here though. She's Garf's little girl, even though he's got two, and we're not supposed to have favorites, she's truly his little girl. Cuz we need more hard stuff around here right now. Geez.

And, in other news, Garf has done it again. I do wonder if he's got his measuring tape out and trying to see just how long that rope of mine might be. He apologized (again) for not dealing with everything last week like he should have. Lost in his head again I guess, not knowing how to implement what he's trying. He can't keep doing this to me. I can't keep doing it. I'm still madder than a wet cat about it and I'm tired of telling his so. If we can't get the basics of communication down, what is the point even of trying? But, when it comes to him, my rope must break world records.

He called from work to say apologize (he must feel safer on the other end of a phone where I can't reach him to strangle him) and to ask that I list 5 things I'd like to work on, in order of importance. I would much rather HE made that list. Instead of telling me everything, including me, is perfect as is, I'd like to hear the real deal. He keeps trying to make it all about me and that's not what I'm after. Sure, we could use the argument that what's important to me would of course be important to him, but ... I dunno, just seems like someone's wriggling off the hook.

But hey, if you all got some ideas of what to put on a list, go for it! I'm working my tail off today trying to make sure we're well padded next week when all the money dries up for a few weeks.

Saturday, 21 October 2017

Just how long is my rope?

I'm trying so hard to just not be angry with this. I'm not sure if it's a good thing, or a bad thing, that I'm almost succeeding. Well, I'm pissed, but I'm trying to keep it wrapped up. I feel dangerously close to not really giving a damn and I don't see how that could ever end well.
The weekend is here. Garf has both days off for a change. But still, there is nothing. So really, what was the damn point of telling me to do anything if he was going to completely ignore me when I said it was done and blowing off everything else he said he was going to do through the week.
I'm still holding up my end as well as I can with no direction. He gets all the damn perks and I get absolutely nothing. Most things I would do anyway because that's just the way it's always been. I'd rather he was happy and who cares about me. So, ok, my fault. This is all my fault. He already had it all without ever having do to any work for it, so why would he start now? He has one job. That's it. His job is to go to work and collect a pay check every week and everything else is my department. He's never had to worry about any of the rest of it. I'm the one that makes the budget work, even when it shouldn't, I force it to bend to fit whatever it is we need. I'm the one who figures out what needs to be bought and what we can manage without. I'm the one that does all the fixing when disaster strikes. I do the laundry, the cooking, deal with kids up my ass 18 hours a day and all the little things that go with that. And I let it be this way. Well, who's the idiot here ...

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I think 16 years of trying, 16 years of being the one to hold us together, 16 years of the same conversation ... I think maybe I've had enough. Because really, we have a house, we have kids, we have dogs ... but between us? I don't know what's even there anymore. And maybe this feeling will ease up after a few days, it probably will in fact. After all, that's how I ended up feeling like this in the first place ... eventually it just gets shoved away. But really, just how many times is too many times to feel like this? Where do I draw the line? I can never quite let anything go completely because there is always that tiny spark of hope. I always get sucked in by his words, which he promptly delivers right on time, every time I am convinced I've finally reached the end of my rope.

Maybe, just maybe, he needs to miss me a little bit.

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I dislike feeling like this. I shouldn't have to feel like this all the damn time.

Friday, 20 October 2017

Tales or tails?

I'm tired and my head feels like it's about to explode. I went to bed with a headache last night, barely slept, and I've been working for the last 4 hours straight. About 10 minutes after waking up, I had a hot coffee, my blanket, and was sitting down ready to work. I got lucky this morning. There were over 100 jobs waiting and I got my hands on a good chunk of them. The list is empty now, but I've increased my pay next week by a good bit. "Good" meaning only about 30 bucks. lol But for my work, that's decent. I'm lucky if I make that much in a day, never mind just the morning.And the cutoff for next week's  isn't until tomorrow evening, so I still have time to pull in a bit more. Or maybe I'll just take a damn break. 7 straight weeks of these hours has me half dead.
There is some good news attached to this. It's taken 10 months, but we've finally done it. Come next week we will finally be all caught up on current bills. We still have some old debt, (so old that no one's expecting to see any money) but we're pretty much back on an even footing again, where we were before everything went to hell last year. Barring any more disasters, we might finally be able to start paying off those old debts. I don't make a lot of money each week, it amounts to far less than minimum wage most weeks, but it's been *just* enough ... to pick up the few extra loaves of bread, gas in the van, some treats for the kids. *Just* enough has finally gotten us out of the mess of overdue payments. *Just* in time too as it looks like Garf's last week of work will be next week. If we can just hang on a little bit longer ...

As far as everything else goes ... if this nothingness keeps up, I'll soon have to figure out just what kind of blog I'm gonna be scribbling in. Maybe once things settle down more and I don't have to work so much of the day, I'll finally get back to training the dog to be a more productive member of the family. Some day, maybe even soon, I'll get up a video showing off her talent. Cuz how interesting would that be? Come for spanking tales and get a wagging tail instead.

Wednesday, 18 October 2017

How many layers?

As I mentioned in my last post, Garf asked me to do something for him and have it done by Wednesday. Basically, I'm his research assistant. Scratch that, I am the one and only researcher. Anyway, I did it first thing on Monday because it's the not the first time I've done the rounds on this particular subject. I took a look around, found nothing that I hadn't already found and brought to him before, so I pretty much just pointed him in the direction of his own computer. Things I've sent through messages on fb are sitting in his downloads file and it just so happened that the last 3 that I'd sent him a few weeks ago were about this very subject. Sent him off a text to let him know and I never heard anything about it. Today is Wednesday. He said he was planning on having this all done tonight. I don't see it happening. He comes home, he eats, messes about on Facebook for an hour and takes his book to bed. (Which is killing me cuz my back doesn't agree with spending 9 hours sleeping, but as the computers are sitting in our bedroom ... well ... he's asleep in 10 minutes and I don't want to disturb him so I tend to go to bed at the same time)
I'm still floating in my bubble by myself. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. I have a nice layer of "I don't give a damn" wrapped around me. I need another layer or two, every now and then I almost feel like crying.

Monday, 16 October 2017

Pictures - Welcome to Newfoundland

 Yeah, he's pretty much at someone's front door. NL moose aren't shy at all.

The one thing I never saw with my own eyes in NL. They appeared in everyone's backyard,  but never ours.

 Mama and baby taking an evening stroll

 They aren't the prettiest animals, not like deer at all, but they sure do love to have their pictures taken.

 This guy was walking down the highway in front of us before he finally got tired of chasing him and went up over the bank. We did him a favor. There was (is still maybe?) a bounty on coyotes in NL and he was worth more dead than alive.

So there you go Amy. Some moose pics. Not a New Brunswick one, not the one that almost hit us, but it seems like NB moose don't like their pics taken so much. Could be that's the only thing I really miss about living in NL. Pics like these are a regular thing. We used to pile into the van after supper and just drive around, counting moose. 

Speaking of wildlife ... there are some mice running through the loft right now. Cheeky little buggers. I'm starting to miss having cats in the house. There no sense in even getting traps. We're surrounded by forest, there's no shortage of critters. They're cute and all, but I am starting to feel uncomfortable with the way they are sitting on the beams and looking at me. In groups. I hope they're not plotting a takeover.

As for the weekend ... I'm a little bit irritated, but I saw it coming, so letting it roll off. 30 seconds of speech does not constitute a conversation. To be fair, we did have a birthday girl to worry about yesterday and Garf ended the day with a headache. (Which I also saw coming because it happens just about every weekend. He insists on an extra 2-3 hours of sleep and eventually ends up with a headache because of it. This is why I haven't slept in for more than 20 years.) He asked me to do something and have it done by Wednesday ... but that pissed me off too 'cause it's not the first time I've done this for him. Basically I got the same standard, "I don't have a clue and I can't find anything anywhere that will spell it out for me" line that he gives me every few weeks. Why ask for help or advice if you're just gonna blow it off? I'm gonna do it anyway, but I am protesting under my breath the whole way. 

Thursday, 12 October 2017

My happy place

I'm freezing. It's not quite cold enough to see my breath, but my hands are so cold and stiff that working is just about out of the picture this morning. It's after 9 am and the frost is still covering the grass. It's nearing my hibernation time. I have a heater at my feet and a blanket over my lap creating a nice little heat tunnel. Now if I could just figure out how to keep my mouse hand warm.

This ... I need this. It's electric. It's heat. I NEED this blanket in my life. Maybe two of them.

Garf used some actual words last night to say again what he said in his text. I'm paraphrasing here, but I think what he said was something like, "I think I'm ready to do it right this time" Cautiously optimistic.

My oldest little girl is turning 16 this weekend. I wish we could do something special for her. As luck would have it, (our luck that is) the van is needing repairs which are being done today. It's hard to believe that in less than a year she'll be gone. A good friend of ours who lives in a real city and not in the middle of nowhere said the girl could go stay with her whenever she's ready. I think she'd like to go now, but I'm not quite willing to let her go so young. I know she's itching to go somewhere where there is life. This last year has been especially hard for her.

Oh, I almost forgot. We came *this* close to being dead last night. Damn moose. If he had decided to bolt across the road he would have destroyed our van and most likely Garf and I with it. When Garf swerved, if my window had been open I possibly would have had a face full of antler. Wasn't too far up the road from us either. It's strange that we never see any moose passing through the yard. We've seen signs of them, but never the actual animal.

Wednesday, 11 October 2017

Actions, not words

Ready for rules, we'll talk this weekend.

That's the message I got this morning. I don't even have a feeling to attach to this. Once it would have made my stomach fill with butterflies. I would have been happy, excited maybe. I have no feeling about it. His words have finally become *just* words. If I had to feel anything right now, it would be pissed. Pissed that he waits until I'm in the worst possible place before he brings this up. Again, making me feel like I'm being pacified. I need action, not words.
Well, however it is that I feel about this, I'm at least going to try and keep my mouth shut before anything spills over.

This feels like a long day. Not enough work to occupy me today.

Saturday, 7 October 2017

Casualties of indifference

How awful is it that I sometimes wish Garf just wouldn't touch me at all? I've had a horrible headache for week now. I would imagine it's the work I do all day, every day, non-stop. Constantly listening extra hard to every word being spoken, shit audio sometimes, static, beeps, crashing noises, people sounding like they they the recorder into an ocean, or driving down the highway with windows wide open, holding interviews in a crowded bar. Worse yet is grading where I not only have to listen extra hard, I'm reading extra hard. My eyes are shot, my head doesn't work and I'm pretty sure my ears should be bleeding. Anyway ... on to the point of this.
I can't take any more pain relievers for headaches, or any other of the pains I deal with. My stomach is shot. I'm guessing I've developed an ulcer and for the last couple weeks I was pretty much eating Aleve, or Advil, whichever bottle was closest to me. When my stomach started acting up I had to stop taking anything. (Which has helped, tummy pretty much back to normal) But it does mean that there's nothing between me and this horrendous headache.
Last night in bed, Garf's laying there, running his fingers around my head, just stroking my head really ... and all I wanted to do was cry. My headaches can stop almost instantly when he does that. Same effect when my legs are bad. It's been  ... I'd like to say months, but I think it's been at least a year, and quite possibly more since he's done that. And so there I am, feeling some of the pain melt away, and all I wanted to do was cry. Because it will probably be months again, or years, before he'll do that again. It will be months before he'll be able to do that without having to start by saying, "No, I'm not trying to get laid." Which of those make me the most sad? I guess it doesn't matter because it seems that I am out of tears anyway.
Where am I at when I can't cry anymore over what I feel I've lost?
I feel so far away from him now. I don't know how to get back. I don't know if I even want to.
And what's worse? Him feeling the same way or he doesn't even notice that I'm gone?

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We haven't been important enough as an "us" for too long. We didn't pay enough attention. We didn't put enough work into us.

Indifference is a killer.

Wednesday, 4 October 2017

Unexpected Visitors

I usually skip supper dishes lately as I'd rather be working and often there are more jobs available right around that time. Last night though, there weren't very many and I figured I'd get a few out of the way because I had dealing with them in the mornings. Being surrounded by woods you'd think we see a lot more wildlife than we do. But, other than the yard being invaded by rabbits on Mother's day, one porcupine under a tree, (and not counting the one that nailed the dog in the face ... all we saw was the end result, not the guilty porcupine) and a handful of blue jays, all we get to see is shit. We see (or hear) the signs but rarely the animal itself. Well, the last few weeks there's been piles of bear crap around all the apple trees. But not one damn bear. Not one. And I sure wasn't believing the son who kept saying he saw one in the backyard. Because how convenient is that? He's the ONLY one that's seen anything in the back.

So, I get myself up to doing some dishes, looking out my tiny kitchen window to the back.

If you look closely at the last pic you can just see the face of the second cub. We didn't know there were two of them, we'd only seen the one with her. We were between mama and one of her babies. Thankfully, 5 humans that didn't seem interested in hurting her baby didn't worry her enough to come eat us. I wish we could have gotten better pics, but messing about with mama and her babies doesn't seem wise. Also, we'd like to have another shot at getting pics so scaring them away wouldn't be any fun at all. I wish I had a better camera. There isn't a lot to take pictures of around here, but when there is, it's something big. The buggers haven't left any apples for us, that tree where the bear is standing might be the only one that still has some. I guess no pie in this house. 

Tuesday, 3 October 2017

I've been waiting ...

My indifference has been mistaken for patience. I guess I'm ok with that. At least we have nothing to fight about.

I'm perfecting the fine of art of being here without really being here.

I've been waiting for just about the whole 16 years we've been together for Garf's words to be something other than just empty words meant to pacify me. For a long time, he even stopped apologizing because "sorry" didn't mean shit anymore and I guess maybe even he knew it? We're pretty much back in the same leaky boat. I'm not interested in bailing water anymore and words aren't plugging the holes.

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Life is quiet inside my bubble. I think I'll go back to work now.