Thursday, 22 June 2017

A Blurry Line

Respect. That is such a blurry thing for us. We joke too much. I call him an asshole all the time, but I don't know that I've ever said it out of anger, or annoyance. He's MY asshole. He's just not "really" an asshole. He'll call me a bitch, but he's NEVER done so angry, or in an argument. It's always just joking for us. So where do we draw that line? Obviously directing that at him and meaning it would be a no no, but what else falls under respect? I feel like that's a stupid question, but for some reason I just can't wrap my head around it. I'm sure there has to be things I do, or say, that people would find disrespectful, that Garf *should* think are disrespectful, but what are they? We've been this way together for 16 years ... I really don't know where to draw that line. I'm not sure that he does either. It's pretty tough for me to figure this out when he doesn't point out anything in particular that he doesn't like. Is there anything that actually bothers him? Or is he just so used to the way we are that he doesn't notice? Maybe this is something I shouldn't even be making a big deal of. If he's not bothered, why should I be? But ... this is about ME being better because I want to be for him, not because of him waving a bath brush around. So help ... what does respect look like?

I've been trying to quit smoking. I knew it wouldn't be easy, I've been smoking for about 24 years. I want to quit, but at the same time, I don't even want to "think" about it. It scares the hell out of me. But I was doing pretty good. I had gotten down to 8 a day (coming down from 20 or more a day, that was decent I think). And then, things got all bumpy here, I was supposed to be at 7 a day, and that's where I lost it. Completely. I stopped keeping track for the last two weeks. Yesterday I started again, and was up to 11.5 smokes by the end of the day. I really need to kick this, but I am terrified of going cold turkey. If I had the ability to go out and fetch a pack if I was on the verge of murdering someone, maybe I would make the attempt. But I'm housebound when Garf's not home because I don't drive.

I have 2 big jobs left on my to-do list, and I've pretty much got all my daily stuff for today done, other than eating. And he's only been gone since yesterday morning. Blah!!

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

Color me annoyed

Men!
Mine in particular today.
I was really getting into a bad mood yesterday. 10 days of not a lot going on was too much and when he tossed those notebooks to me at the last minute I was feeling very much like it was just an afterthought and sent him off feeling a little sad because there was a distance between us that I let be there. So ... I thought about it, and then caved and sent him a text. I do control my tongue a little better in writing. Sometimes.
He ended up spending the night at home as he was waiting for tires that they didn't get around to yesterday so it was put of until this morning. I am off the hook having to write in the notebook, but he still wants a handwritten journal and of course the punishment journal. This punishment journal came about because he's away so much and with everything being new to him he's having trouble keeping track of everything and tends to forget things. I'm not to happy with the handwritten journal as I come here mostly and my fingers can keep up with the thoughts that race in my head, but he's gotta do this his way and I've got to let him. For the record, I don't like it.
Oh, a fun thing I found last night. We were trying to find some kind of to-do list. I really didn't want to try and keep track of everything on paper. Things get lost, kids could find them and we were looking for something that we could both access. This is going to be a rough month for us so without data on his phone, there weren't any apps that we found useful. But, I found habitrpg!
I used to love playing World of Warcraft, we both did. We spent ... well, years, playing together. Garf would level a toon, gear it, raid, do all the end game stuff. Me? I leveled. And leveled. And leveled another one. I think I ended up with about 10 give or take a few. I am a leveling junkie. I love having a goal. I like having a list of things I need to do. So habitrpg is nothing like WoW. But I have a little dude, and hit points, and experience points. A spot for custom rewards (like a wonderfully long spanking that doesn't shred my butt, or a massage ... still waiting for Garf to fill that part in for me). There are rewards for my little guy to have ... better armor or weapon (which has some effect on how much damage I take from messing up. It's really nothing more than a to-do list. But it's cute. And every freakin' time I light up a smoke I lose hit points :( That makes me sad. So I'm trying very hard to get all the things checked off my list today (I'm even on my 2nd bottle of water) because I need to level up or I'll kill him. There is a good chance that I'll forever be level one unless I can cut back on smoking. I'm trying.
But anyways ... I was very much in the mood of "if he's not doing this, neither am I" yesterday. It probably would have spilled over into today and things would have gone very bad really fast. Between us we managed to smooth it over just enough that it didn't happen. I'm still just as impatient for things to "start", but we're just making those baby steps. I don't ever want to go back to the way things were, I can suck it up a bit more.

Monday, 19 June 2017

Unbalanced

I had some other things I wanted to write about, but it appears that this post will go to my bad mood instead. Maybe if I do my whining here it will ease the frustration I'm feeling right now.
Garf is still home. He needs to go now. I love him, and I love having him home, but I'm so frustrated with him that it would probably be best if would just go back to work. ( I have no idea what the delay there is and I don't really care, I'll just work out the damage to the budget later)

After our boot camp experience ... well, I'm left wondering what the point of that even was. As I said before, I think he needed to know he could take it to that level, and I needed to know that he would. We did work on the rules more, most of which are really just ways to keep me occupied and not so focused on him being gone. But ... This is day 7 after boot camp and it's like once it was over, he put the ball down and game over. The frustration is mounting and it's coming dangerously close to being really, really, angry.

I have a one coffee a day limit. I'm supposed to drink 3 bottles of water daily. There are the usual and very obvious rules that it seems everyone has, respect probably topping the list. The last 3 days I've had 2 coffee each day and no water. I was pretty snippy and snappy the last couple of days as well as my mood has continued to worsen. And Garf has simply not noticed anything. And I just don't get it. I'm trying to keep my patience. He moves slowly on this. He's still figuring it out, how it should work, how he wants it to work. But no consistency is a killer. I'm not in a place where I can do both my job and his when he's not on top of his game. I can see it heading to nowhere good.

I can't say anything. I don't want to tell him he's doing it wrong. He's not doing it wrong, just not doing it at the speed I'd like him to. Waiting is hard. It seems we always end up grounded before we're even off the ground.

Most of this whiny post was written earlier this morning while I had a few minutes alone. Between then and now, Garf handed me 3 notebooks. One is a daily journal, one is to keep track of smokes and rules broken ( punishment journal I guess), and the other is for writing. He's decided that I am going to write. I love writing, I have a million tales in me head. But ... handwritten?? No freakin' way. That one I need to talk him out of.

But ... the point is ... he hasn't forgotten me, he hasn't really put the ball down, he's just ... doing this at his pace, not mine. And I don't like it!!

Friday, 16 June 2017

Whack-A-Mole

I was not expecting Garf to be home for so long. First day home he took his truck up to the garage and hitchhiked home so that took up most of the day, but it was ok because if the truck was in the garage it meant that he'd be home for at least 2 days. That was Friday. A rather dull and uninteresting day, but he was home and that was good.
Saturday I woke up to a message on Facebook. Boot camp had begun! What? I didn't have to remind him, beg him, bug and nag? So I followed his directions and soon he was up and ready to go. It's possible we got the first spanking out of the way first thing, but details are muddy. We weren't supposed to running out and about, but it was early and I needed coffee. Needed, not wanted. Out we go to Timmy's. But ... it was Saturday and you know what goes on on Saturdays when the weather is nice? Garage sales. *sigh* We ended up taking 3 trips to town that day and it was pretty late in the day when we got home. Kind of a bust. I don't even remember now if we did anything boot campy that day or not. I'm thinking we must have squeezed all 4 spankings in. Either way we did end up doing 3 days, more or less.
I'm not sure if I'd want to repeat it again. 4 spankings a day is hard. Hard, medium, severe and mild, in that order. Really? Starting the day with a hard spanking? Well, the first day the hard one was not so hard. So I told Garf that. Well, he upped his game after that. I have to admit I was impressed. The second day, the hard one was hard, medium was hard because I was pretty sore at that point and I was bouncing around trying to get away from it. By the time we got to severe, I wanted to cry just thinking about it and I wasn't all that sure that I *could* stay still and take it. By day three, I was sure I wanted to more of this nonsense.
I'll talk a little more about day three. Having no privileges meant no computer, tablet or phone for Facebook. Not too much of an inconvenience, but also not something I'm used to asking permission for. So first thing I did was get up and hit the computer, make the rounds of my favorite blogs, DD groups on fb, and a game. I have to admit I don't think I really thought he was all that serious. A lot of the time I felt like he was just going through the motions. And I suppose, that IS what he's doing. This hasn't become a part of *us* yet. We had to run out to see if his truck was ready to go yet and as we were driving we noticed a beach, campgrounds ... so we had to stop in and find out all about it. Turned out we could go through to the beach and not have to pay any fees for just that so we came home and picked the kids up for their first trip to the beach this year.
For some reason I was feeling pretty annoyed and irritable which translates into being a little bitchy with Garf. So basically the whole time we were driving I was snippy. Also trying to read my book which I normally bring along for times when I'm waiting in the van and he's gone into a store. He prefers me to talk and pay attention when he's driving. I guess it amuses him. But I really wanted to just read the damn book. So I'd open it and he'd reach out to close it. Apparently he was getting annoyed.
Well ... I was due for the severe spanking when we got home. Garf had been paying attention to the computer and tablet without permission and disrespect while we were out. I really didn't think he was serious. Turns out he was. It still feels as if he was just going through the motions. But boy, did he go through those motions well! He spanked me for that first and then started on the severe spanking. Strangely, I managed to stay in place really well. I hadn't managed that for the 2 earlier that day that were not that bad, but they felt so much worse. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that he did have me fair and square on the disrespect and computer use.
So, even though it kind of fell a little flat for me, just getting to the point where he discovers that I am not that fragile and he was perfectly capable of delivering real punishment was important. He needed to know he could do it, and I needed to know that he would. I was really pretty sure that the 2nd day he would maybe skip the severe one, or go easier, and he didn't. He didn't go easier on the third either. That was a good thing, but I have to say I've had enough of Garf playing whack-a-mole on my backside.
Wednesday morning, I asked him if I could have a good spanking now that we were done with all the nasties. The nice, long, relaxing kind. We use this guide so he has a "how to" to follow. He is slowly getting used to all of this. Having experienced both severe and really, really, nice spanking, I can say without a doubt that I'd much rather his time at home is NOT spent having to deliver punishments. I'll take amazingly relaxing spanking any day.
We also worked out the rules a bit better to include daily and weekly chores to help keep me busy and distracted while he's away. My house should be spotless in no time. I do wish we'd spent a bit more time talking, but he's not a real talky kind of guy. I think he gave the best he could at this point. Baby steps ...

A week!!

Garf has been home now for a week :)  I shouldn't smile ... no work, no pay.  Money problems I can deal with though so I'll take some extra time where I can. His truck only got out of the garage yesterday so I guess he'll be heading out this afternoon. We did a little boot camp over the weekend, watched stuff on Netflix, and tried to avoid the kids as much as we could.

I'll be back later when I actually have some time. Garf wasn't feeling so great last night, migraine came on out of nowhere suddenly and he's been in bed since. I'll have to go poke him and see if he's ok this morning.

Thursday, 8 June 2017

Dull

What a dull day this is. It's beautiful outside, but I'm just hanging out with Netflix. Waiting to see if Garf will be home today or not. He's only a couple hours away from us right now, but who knows where he's heading next. I hate his job. I really can't say it enough. That's the worst thing, when he's so close to home and yet so far away. Even if he does get to come home tonight, it's just as likely that he'd be gone again tomorrow morning.
I'm not sure why I come here, there's really nothing to say. I'm just all whiny and killing time.

Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Processing

I've been going over and over this past weekend in my head, throwing it one way than another. As usual, I pinned all the responsibility on Garf. Yes, life got in our way again and nothing went as planned (again) and again. There wasn't anything we could do but go with it. I was so disappointed that our short time together was ruined again that I couldn't see anything but that. It never occurred to me to think about how it was affecting Garf. And it surely was, though I think I mostly saw that he was reacting to my reaction, I'm thinking a little bit differently now.

See ... in my head, I'm the one that brought this to him. He resisted, he tried, we failed, we gave up. More than once. So in the back of my mind I still have the same thinking going on. He doesn't care, he really doesn't want this anyway, etc ... And maybe some things, or parts, are true. He is still just doing this for me and I don't really know if he is getting anything out of this at all. But he sure is trying harder to fake it. lol

I'm wondering if maybe I was feeding off of his reaction to what he may have seen as yet another failure on his part to "do it right". When he thinks he's screwing up he shuts me out and it can take days before he'll even admit there's something bugging him, never mind actually saying what it is. Oh, what a pair we make.

Stumble, stumble, stumble ...

I lost my grip, again, like a spoiled snot and took it out on him. And even though I said it wasn't his fault when everything went haywire ... as I keep telling Garf, what you say doesn't mean shit, it's what you do that counts. And about all I did was text him 4 ridiculously long texts telling him everything he did wrong and what he should have done and omg ... I should lose my sub badge ...

I kept thinking to myself,  why didn't he say this, or that, or do this, or do that, why did he do this instead of that ... Not once did it occur to me that *I* could have said the things that I wanted to hear from him. My stubborn is gonna be the death of us.

I wish he were home ... I'm just not doing well on my own here.