Saturday, 2 December 2017

Endless loop

Some days, I feel like I'm caught in an endless loop. I hope this time we're playing a different tape.

I did ask Garf when we would talk ... he ignored the question that night, and the next day. And then that night we talked. It was a rather close call because by noon I was ready to tell him to stuff it, never mind, forget I asked. I was pissed. He knows I don't deal well with silence and ignoring an outright question ... ugh.
I guess all I can do now is wait and see if he will follow through on what he said. But here's where I'm afraid of the loop. We've been here before. A few times. I'm trying though, to be patient, and quiet, and let him do this his way.

Wednesday, 29 November 2017

One slow bite at a time

I am not a patient person. I try to be, but I'm not.

Me: We gonna talk about this?
Garf: Yes.

End conversation. lol

Well ... when damn it?!! Today, tomorrow, next week, next month, maybe next year? (Don't worry, I kept that part to myself. I did not say it.)

I need patience. It is enough, or should be enough, that the two days of ugly were not really that ugly at all. That compared to what would have happened a year ago had I come at him with an ultimatum (I don't like that word, not at all, but I guess that's what it was ... choose me, or not me ... what else is that but an ultimatum?). A year ago there would have been very angry people, tears, walls, very cold walls. That didn't happen this time. Well, for a couple hours it was a bit like that, but it cleared up pretty darn fast. It was still not on the same scale as it would have been. That alone is progress folks.

It is hard for me to trust the words though. And so I want to rush through it, hear the talking and then do something. I also know that is not going to help my cause. But ... waiting, waiting, waiting ... nope. I'm done waiting. I can do slow, I can do one step at a time, but 3 years of waiting just on this particular subject, 10 months of that actively waiting (he's off the hook for the first 2 years because he had promised nothing up to that point) is long enough. It's time to shit or get off the pot. Go ahead, screw up, make some mistakes, piss me off, whatever ... just do something!!

Ok ... all done, that is my half frustrated rant today.

Tuesday, 28 November 2017

Some encouragement needed here

Message from Garf - Gonna give you a prime example of me wimping out. I was gonna come home, take charge and tell you that you don't have a say in what happens now. This is over when I say it is over. And I didn't say it was over. I had big speech ready and all. And if you tried to interrupt, I would have told you to shut up. I brought you out to the porch for my smoke and wimped out cus the more I thought about it, the dumber it sounded.

But ladies ... I ask you ... does this sound like he has no clue? He gets it ... he just can't do it. lol

I have hope.

Inch by inch

Garf: So what do I do when an idea I have been working on seems like a good idea but when I really think about it, it really seems so stupid?

Well ... maybe there is some hope here. If he would stop shutting me out of everything, maybe there would be hope. I can't see him thinking. Endlessly thinking. If he were trying to decide what to have for dinner, he'd starve. Staying silent for weeks, saying he's sorry he's taking so long, and then another few weeks of silence ... no good. Not for me. He's gotta do something. I don't care if it's moving slowly, as long as it's moving. I wish I knew where it all got blocked up. Because one day it seemed we were on track, making progress, and then it just stopped. He was doing fine, I made sure to tell him he had it right and then he just went away.

I think ... I could be wrong, but it seems to me as if he feels like this is all on him, like he's gotta to figure it all out by himself. I don't know how to help him without taking over.

I don't know if I can even trust what I think is an almost open line of communication. I want to, but ... well, I guess I don't trust the words anymore. I need to see the trying, feel it, not just hear about it. I'm trying to keep the pictures in my head to a minimum, the expectations ... especially the expectation of another failure. I don't actually expect him to follow through. I think he will assume I've calmed down because I'm not breathing fire, because I stayed in bed and didn't move to the couch. That's how it usually goes. He feeds me what I want to hear until the storm's passed.

My feelings are 16 years old, and so it wasn't all about DD and the fact that he couldn't/wouldn't do it ... but I think it is a way to build a path back to each other, and so now, I guess it IS all about DD. I dunno ... I confuse myself sometimes.

Slowly, very slowly, inch by inch, one Facebook message at a time ... maybe we'll figure this out.

Monday, 27 November 2017

3 a.m. conversations

Some excerpts: Black him, blue me.

And I can't communicate what is in my head. I come up with ideas but when I think about them, they all seem stupid...crazy...Not me.

haha, because saying, "Beat me, it will make me feel better," isn't crazy? But ... crazy ... yup, that IS me. (this was in my head)

How many time can you saddle a dead horse before you realize you still can't ride it?

Well, I'm not known for giving up. How much ya wanna bet I could raise a horse from the dead? (in my head also)

My life needs to be more than just this endless get up, go to bed, with a talk about the weather in between. (Guess which two people went for a ride today? Topic of conversation ... the weather and gas prices)

I love you to death but I want to throttle you right now. I imagine the feeling's mutual.

Pretty much.

In the end, this isn't all about DD, or lack of, it's just become the mascot or something.

I don't know where we stand right now on that subject anyway. I don't know where we stand anywhere else either. I guess I'm wandering in my head wondering what to do with me, when I'm the one that is going to lose a big part of myself if he can't find a way to go forward with this. How do I let it go and be ok with it?

Sunday, 26 November 2017

What next ...

I've had a few very bad days. Things are about to change around here, but for better or worse, I don't know yet. It is quite possible that there is no longer an "US" in this house. I imagine he's pretty pissed, hurt maybe. I don't know. He's not talking to me right now. I can understand that. To make a long story short, I have finally reached a point where I am either going to have it all with that man that I love to death, or have nothing. It could very well blow up very badly in my face. I hope that it doesn't, I hope there is some way for us to get out of this, but it's all resting on him now. He can choose to fight for us, or not to, but I'm out unless he's all in.
My walls are firmly in place and it sucks.

No apologies

"I make no apologies for how I choose to repair what you broke." 

Nice quote from Grey's Anatomy