Monday, 16 October 2017

Pictures - Welcome to Newfoundland

 Yeah, he's pretty much at someone's front door. NL moose aren't shy at all.

The one thing I never saw with my own eyes in NL. They appeared in everyone's backyard,  but never ours.

 Mama and baby taking an evening stroll

 They aren't the prettiest animals, not like deer at all, but they sure do love to have their pictures taken.

 This guy was walking down the highway in front of us before he finally got tired of chasing him and went up over the bank. We did him a favor. There was (is still maybe?) a bounty on coyotes in NL and he was worth more dead than alive.

So there you go Amy. Some moose pics. Not a New Brunswick one, not the one that almost hit us, but it seems like NB moose don't like their pics taken so much. Could be that's the only thing I really miss about living in NL. Pics like these are a regular thing. We used to pile into the van after supper and just drive around, counting moose. 

Speaking of wildlife ... there are some mice running through the loft right now. Cheeky little buggers. I'm starting to miss having cats in the house. There no sense in even getting traps. We're surrounded by forest, there's no shortage of critters. They're cute and all, but I am starting to feel uncomfortable with the way they are sitting on the beams and looking at me. In groups. I hope they're not plotting a takeover.

As for the weekend ... I'm a little bit irritated, but I saw it coming, so letting it roll off. 30 seconds of speech does not constitute a conversation. To be fair, we did have a birthday girl to worry about yesterday and Garf ended the day with a headache. (Which I also saw coming because it happens just about every weekend. He insists on an extra 2-3 hours of sleep and eventually ends up with a headache because of it. This is why I haven't slept in for more than 20 years.) He asked me to do something and have it done by Wednesday ... but that pissed me off too 'cause it's not the first time I've done this for him. Basically I got the same standard, "I don't have a clue and I can't find anything anywhere that will spell it out for me" line that he gives me every few weeks. Why ask for help or advice if you're just gonna blow it off? I'm gonna do it anyway, but I am protesting under my breath the whole way. 

Thursday, 12 October 2017

My happy place

I'm freezing. It's not quite cold enough to see my breath, but my hands are so cold and stiff that working is just about out of the picture this morning. It's after 9 am and the frost is still covering the grass. It's nearing my hibernation time. I have a heater at my feet and a blanket over my lap creating a nice little heat tunnel. Now if I could just figure out how to keep my mouse hand warm.

This ... I need this. It's electric. It's heat. I NEED this blanket in my life. Maybe two of them.

Garf used some actual words last night to say again what he said in his text. I'm paraphrasing here, but I think what he said was something like, "I think I'm ready to do it right this time" Cautiously optimistic.

My oldest little girl is turning 16 this weekend. I wish we could do something special for her. As luck would have it, (our luck that is) the van is needing repairs which are being done today. It's hard to believe that in less than a year she'll be gone. A good friend of ours who lives in a real city and not in the middle of nowhere said the girl could go stay with her whenever she's ready. I think she'd like to go now, but I'm not quite willing to let her go so young. I know she's itching to go somewhere where there is life. This last year has been especially hard for her.

Oh, I almost forgot. We came *this* close to being dead last night. Damn moose. If he had decided to bolt across the road he would have destroyed our van and most likely Garf and I with it. When Garf swerved, if my window had been open I possibly would have had a face full of antler. Wasn't too far up the road from us either. It's strange that we never see any moose passing through the yard. We've seen signs of them, but never the actual animal.

Wednesday, 11 October 2017

Actions, not words

Ready for rules, we'll talk this weekend.

That's the message I got this morning. I don't even have a feeling to attach to this. Once it would have made my stomach fill with butterflies. I would have been happy, excited maybe. I have no feeling about it. His words have finally become *just* words. If I had to feel anything right now, it would be pissed. Pissed that he waits until I'm in the worst possible place before he brings this up. Again, making me feel like I'm being pacified. I need action, not words.
Well, however it is that I feel about this, I'm at least going to try and keep my mouth shut before anything spills over.

This feels like a long day. Not enough work to occupy me today.

Saturday, 7 October 2017

Casualties of indifference

How awful is it that I sometimes wish Garf just wouldn't touch me at all? I've had a horrible headache for week now. I would imagine it's the work I do all day, every day, non-stop. Constantly listening extra hard to every word being spoken, shit audio sometimes, static, beeps, crashing noises, people sounding like they they the recorder into an ocean, or driving down the highway with windows wide open, holding interviews in a crowded bar. Worse yet is grading where I not only have to listen extra hard, I'm reading extra hard. My eyes are shot, my head doesn't work and I'm pretty sure my ears should be bleeding. Anyway ... on to the point of this.
I can't take any more pain relievers for headaches, or any other of the pains I deal with. My stomach is shot. I'm guessing I've developed an ulcer and for the last couple weeks I was pretty much eating Aleve, or Advil, whichever bottle was closest to me. When my stomach started acting up I had to stop taking anything. (Which has helped, tummy pretty much back to normal) But it does mean that there's nothing between me and this horrendous headache.
Last night in bed, Garf's laying there, running his fingers around my head, just stroking my head really ... and all I wanted to do was cry. My headaches can stop almost instantly when he does that. Same effect when my legs are bad. It's been  ... I'd like to say months, but I think it's been at least a year, and quite possibly more since he's done that. And so there I am, feeling some of the pain melt away, and all I wanted to do was cry. Because it will probably be months again, or years, before he'll do that again. It will be months before he'll be able to do that without having to start by saying, "No, I'm not trying to get laid." Which of those make me the most sad? I guess it doesn't matter because it seems that I am out of tears anyway.
Where am I at when I can't cry anymore over what I feel I've lost?
I feel so far away from him now. I don't know how to get back. I don't know if I even want to.
And what's worse? Him feeling the same way or he doesn't even notice that I'm gone?

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We haven't been important enough as an "us" for too long. We didn't pay enough attention. We didn't put enough work into us.

Indifference is a killer.

Wednesday, 4 October 2017

Unexpected Visitors

I usually skip supper dishes lately as I'd rather be working and often there are more jobs available right around that time. Last night though, there weren't very many and I figured I'd get a few out of the way because I had dealing with them in the mornings. Being surrounded by woods you'd think we see a lot more wildlife than we do. But, other than the yard being invaded by rabbits on Mother's day, one porcupine under a tree, (and not counting the one that nailed the dog in the face ... all we saw was the end result, not the guilty porcupine) and a handful of blue jays, all we get to see is shit. We see (or hear) the signs but rarely the animal itself. Well, the last few weeks there's been piles of bear crap around all the apple trees. But not one damn bear. Not one. And I sure wasn't believing the son who kept saying he saw one in the backyard. Because how convenient is that? He's the ONLY one that's seen anything in the back.

So, I get myself up to doing some dishes, looking out my tiny kitchen window to the back.

If you look closely at the last pic you can just see the face of the second cub. We didn't know there were two of them, we'd only seen the one with her. We were between mama and one of her babies. Thankfully, 5 humans that didn't seem interested in hurting her baby didn't worry her enough to come eat us. I wish we could have gotten better pics, but messing about with mama and her babies doesn't seem wise. Also, we'd like to have another shot at getting pics so scaring them away wouldn't be any fun at all. I wish I had a better camera. There isn't a lot to take pictures of around here, but when there is, it's something big. The buggers haven't left any apples for us, that tree where the bear is standing might be the only one that still has some. I guess no pie in this house. 

Tuesday, 3 October 2017

I've been waiting ...

My indifference has been mistaken for patience. I guess I'm ok with that. At least we have nothing to fight about.

I'm perfecting the fine of art of being here without really being here.

I've been waiting for just about the whole 16 years we've been together for Garf's words to be something other than just empty words meant to pacify me. For a long time, he even stopped apologizing because "sorry" didn't mean shit anymore and I guess maybe even he knew it? We're pretty much back in the same leaky boat. I'm not interested in bailing water anymore and words aren't plugging the holes.

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Life is quiet inside my bubble. I think I'll go back to work now.