Sunday, 6 January 2019

Big new and little news

Big news first ...

The invaders are gone!! Not without some coaxing ... Ok, flat out throwing them out of our house on New Year's. It was such a nightmare. It will never be repeated. It was really just so awful for everyone. But it's over. My house is my own again. I knew it was bad, but didn't realize how bad until they were gone and I could breathe again. Happy days! 4 months ... 4 months of something that could have torn us apart at the seams but instead, all it did was pull the stitches tighter. So I guess something good did come out of it. Sadly, it's a lost relationship for Garf and it's been super hard on him. I would undo that if I could.

Little news ... (but it's almost as big to me as the big news is)

The day after the invaders left, I asked Garf, "When do I get my (MY) life back?"


And yes, I have my life back. Still some things to work on and figure out what this means for us now. But we'll get there. This hidden little doesn't have to hide. And Garf is doing an excellent job taking care of me. He was a little lot uncomfortable with the idea of daddies ... but, once again, he's making the effort for me. It doesn't matter what label you wanna put on it ... it is what it is. He has the nature of a daddy and it's just become more obvious over the years. Especially this last year. I'm not full-blown little, definitely not typical, but if someone wanted to label it, I guess I'm more little than I ever would have thought. I find it interesting how things have changed and evolved. How I've changed, what I want is changing. And somehow we're just evolving into this new unit. Garf is totally catering to the little in me and it makes me all mushy inside. I kinda can't wait to see what's next and even that is new for me. I feel like I can't wait to see what or where tomorrow brings us.

Having an up close and far too personal view of someone else's relationship the last few months ... I gotta say, I am feeling much more appreciative of what Garf and I have. I admit I spent a lot of time, too much time, focusing on all that was wrong when there was just so much that was right. *sigh*  Hindsight right? lol

Tuesday, 11 December 2018

Where does the time go?

It has been SO long since I have been here. Things have gone haywire here. Since September, I have not had more than a few minutes (it seems) to myself. No privacy, no space, no peace. There are ... people ... in my house, in my space, my face, my air. People ... I use that term rather loosely here. Invaders? Irritants? Selfish, inconsiderate, annoying as hell, and I can't wait for them to GO AWAY!

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I am trying. To be nice, and human. The opposite of these invaders. I won't say who they are, but there are reasons why I can't just shove them out the door. I want my life back. And my house.

On the DD side of things ... perhaps being forced to take a few steps back has helped things evolve more naturally. We don't have *rules* and a lot of what we did have going on, things I enjoyed having as part of our life, have taken a back burner. And the burner isn't even on low :( But ... there are still elements left that have wormed their way into our life and for now, I'm ok with that. Because things DID change between Garf and I. And it's been so much better. We've been better. Spankings ... few and far between. Very few. Garf is learning though. He can see when I'm starting to unravel. When I've already unraveled he pulls me back, usually just by telling me, "That's enough." There's no punishments going on. (And I'm ok with that too lol) When it's all getting a bit too much for me, he'll haul out the toolbox. And he's learning. To not always listen to me when I think I've had enough and "You can stop now," falls from my mouth. Last time, I was still feeling it a week later. And it helped. I didn't kill anyone that week. :) I was proud of myself because I truly wanted to murder the invaders.

Garf has spoiled me, babied me when I needed it, and helped stand between me and everything/everyone else. Sometimes I even feel safe enough to peek out from behind him. He lets me hide away in my room and keeps the people from being too people-y and sends them out of my space when he's around to do so. (They're very stupid people that don't understand much it seems) I'm not very good at telling people straight up to their faces to fuck off. Garf can and does do that for me. We've had a couple rough bits, but nothing major, or very serious. Little blips. Short-lived. I could get used to this new us.

We've been playing with the idea of a piece of land just up the road from us, two pieces actually. One is 16 acres, the other is about 7 and they are side by side. Thinking shipping containers and a nice remodeling project. We'll see about that. I've kind of lost interest in everything the last few months. The extra stress has shot the pain in my body to an all time high and finding some get up and go is not easy right now. Garf bought a nice heated mattress cover for the bed and I spend a lot of time there. It doesn't always help, but the heat wrapped around me is comforting at least.

That's the short version. My fingers are too cold to type. Speaking of typing ... I still do some transcribing every now and then (none since the people arrived cuz they don't understand that when I'm working, they actually have to shut the hell up and let me work cuz listening is pretty much the whole job) but because I kinda overworked my wrist and typing hurts, Garf has said no more.Sometimes I sneak in a short job, but mostly it's just not worth the pain.

I hope to write here more regularly, but honestly, there's just nothing going on but stupidity that doesn't need to be shared. Maybe once my life is my own again ...

Friday, 17 August 2018

Punctuation is important!

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I've been putting in a lot of hours working the last couple weeks. The week that was spent on my mom's funeral really took a bite out of us and the budget. In the weeks since, we've had to replace 3 tires on the van. Because I needed more budget eaters. With Garf changing jobs and switching to nights, it's been a little upside-ish around here.

And yet, even with all the upsets ... Garf has remained steady and consistent. Darn him.

He has learned to use punctuation. He likes to punctuate what he says (the important bits) with that damn bath brush. I'd like to burn that thing.

He is not letting anything slide anymore.

He has not forgotten anything (even the few times things have had to wait due to scheduling conflicts).

He adds new things to the mix when something occurs to him (he's still flying a little blind, but he's really starting to "get" it.) Today's addition was having me answer him when he says something. Just getting up and doing is no longer good enough. Acknowledging the request (read order) is not enough. I have to say something. Apparently I'm really bad at doing that. He'll ask for something, and I'll just pop up to go get it.

I've learned something new as well. As much as I begged for this ... it's much harder in the doing than I thought it would be. I wanted it so I thought it would just be easy to hand it all over. Not so much. But progress is being made on both sides.

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Wednesday, 8 August 2018

Things I've learned

The last few weeks have been very interesting indeed. Apparently you CAN teach an old dog new tricks, and I've learned a few things as well. The main one being what happens when the man about the house suddenly grows a set and tries on his new hat of consistency. Let me tell you, nothing good has come from this!!  And still, there's no one to blame but myself. So, no ... I'm not whining. Not really. I'm a bit confused as to how this all happened, but I'm not whining. Perhaps feeling a little sorry for myself though. lol

What have I learned lately? 

1. Asking the man why he's asking you dumb ass questions is NOT a good idea. Disrespectful he says.

2. Telling the man that you didn't eat because you didn't feel like it is NOT a good idea.

3. Not drinking the water because you don't like water ... again, NOT a good idea.

4. Trying to jump up and get away from a bath brush ... NOT a good idea.

5. When you let him, the man all of a sudden seems to start taking care of you and the little things.

6. When he asks for your thoughts, he's not necessarily asking for instructions.

*sigh*  It seems that someone around here is learning faster than me.

Some sort of good news (though it's not good today, which I'll get to in a minute). We decided, to try once again, to work on that nasty smoking habit. This time ... we've had some minor success as Garf has been VERY consistent when it comes to this. I gotta say ... be careful what you wish/ask for. I asked and I am definitely receiving. He was paying attention this time when I said, "Go big or go home" (That is another thing to NOT say!!) Every. Freakin'. Night. He hasn't skipped a beat. I gotta say, I'm getting tired of it. But it is having the desired effect. I am down to about 4 cigarettes a day now. Coming down from 15 or more a day, this is good progress. And because each one I light up is MY choice, it's actually working. The price of a cigarette goes up with EVERY single one I light. So I'm actually spending a bit more time weighing "How much do I want that smoke" with, "How much is this going to hurt" lol  So it works like this ... (and though it may seem a little extreme, remember, I DID ask for this specifically to be something he really focuses on and helps me with) The 1st is worth a swat on each cheek, the 2nd one, is worth 2 on each, 3rd is 3 each ... if you wanna do the math, go for it. Here's what I know ... 3 is no big deal, 4 I'd really rather be somewhere else, 5 sucks donkey balls, and beyond that, well, I don't know yet. He doesn't just go, "Oh, 4 smokes, that's 8 ... no ... it's more like, "This is the 1st one" (whack, whack) and this is the 2nd one (whack, whack, whack, whack) and so on ... you get the idea. It is having the desired effect. Most days, I think long and hard before lighting anything.

Except for today. *sniffles*  I've really done it today. We went to the beach. So I'm probably gonna get nailed for not drinking the damn water. Because I was too stupid to make sure I took some with me. (And he's mean enough to let me hang myself by not getting it for me, or reminding me) And ... I may have lost count of how many I smoked ... AND, I know that I'm at 5 already. At least. Oh, and he promised me that if I couldn't remember breakfast or water, there would be CAP CREAM as well ...

So ... farewell ... I probably won't be sitting well tomorrow :(

Monday, 6 August 2018

Bumpy Road

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. Still a little rough around the edges, and I don't think I'm making it much easier, but Garf has certainly got a much better handle on this than he had before. I'm a little lot ashamed to admit it, but I am not always putting as much effort into this as I should. I am still expecting this to go away and I find myself fighting it every time I turn around.

Poor Garf :( I am starting to see why, when he's around me, he often has a bewildered look on his face.

At the end of the day, I look back, and yikes! not very impressive on my part. And so I tell myself that tomorrow will be better, I'll try harder ... and then I allow myself to be distracted by anything that comes my way. Ugh.

At least we are still talking, still trying to arrange things in a way that works for us. That in itself is improvement.

I was totally impressed yesterday ... I had said to Garf that I was feeling really overwhelmed with all the stuff needing to be done around here, especially with our little farm. It's pretty busy all the time and with him working 6 days a week, there's just not a lot of time for him to get anything done. The poor guy needs a day off too. So anyway, with me working as much as I can as well, a lot of the work is falling on the shoulders of a 15 year old. And I have been thinking that perhaps it was time to let that dream go because it wasn't fair to just sort of *gift* a farm to a kid that didn't ask for it, but I was incapable of making that decision (because I've wanted it for so long, I'm soooo attached to my little farm). So, I was in my *office* and Garf was relaxing in the bedroom and so I didn't say this to him so much as send a message. Well ... right away he took over that whole business and talked it over with the kid ... I'm not sure that any real decision has been made, but the kid says he doesn't mind. He does everything ... feeding, cleaning, milking, twice a day ... and yesterday he learned how to butcher and skin a rabbit so that he could do it when Garf just doesn't have time and the rabbit population is getting out of hand. (We had 30 rabbits last week and more on the way.) I gotta say, I'm mighty impressed. The point is ... instead of leaving it up to me, instead of saying, "Whatever you want," Garf just took that from me. Yay!

We will get there (wherever *there* is) someday ... even though it's a bit bumpy along the way, I have a glimmer of hope.

 I need to do better though.

Thursday, 2 August 2018

Nope, no free pass

What the hell have I gotten myself into?

Garf's logic is if I don't like the rules, he's doing something right.

I dislike his thinking.

*sigh* There was a very long (it seemed to me) very whiny (on my part) conversation last night.
I probably said, "But that's not fair," a dozen or more times. Eventually, I did sort of win, because it's true, it wasn't fair, and he wasn't listening. But ... now there aren't any loopholes left!! 

He almost has me convinced that it's gonna stick this time.

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May the good Lord save my ass ....

Monday, 30 July 2018

No free pass?

Damn it ... where did this man come from?

On the way to get our coffee yesterday -

"Did you eat breakfast yet?"


"Fine, I'll get you ..." 

Nobody cares that I'm not hungry :(

On the way back from coffee -

"For some reason you seem to think you have a free pass when I'm home ..."

(He usually works 12 hr shifts, 7 days a week though not so much of that this season yet, but he's right ... I tend to ignore everything when he has unexpected days at home because, well, he's home!!)

Anyway ... I just continued to stuff my mouth with the sausage on a biscuit. There wasn't anything to say. He was right. He's getting awfully good all of a sudden at noticing, and having plenty to say about things ... so odd.

Apparently eating is a hard thing. lol He got me again on that this morning. *sigh* He replaced the bath brush with "Go eat now," so I took that and ran with it. I'm no idiot.